


The Passion of the Hot-Tub

by darlingdeathbird



Category: Adventures In Wonderland (TV 1992)
Genre: Alice completely oblivious to adult goings-on, Blue Balls, Inspired by an interview with John Hoffman, M/M, Sort Of, Too good to be true, everybody wants to party, for inexplicable reasons, hot-tub sex, more absurd than usual, petty bitch Hare, torturing Hatter as per usual
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:28:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29227002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darlingdeathbird/pseuds/darlingdeathbird
Summary: When the Hatter comes into a lot of money, he and Hare choose to spend it on a luxurious hot-tub with numerous amenities, with hopes that they will impress their friends and have a good time themselves. However, everybody gets a little -too- into it.
Relationships: Mad Hatter/March Hare (Alice in Wonderland)





	1. Let's Get Together

**Author's Note:**

> This is all because of several interviews I did with the AIW cast a long time ago. When I was talking to Patrick Richwood (Rabbit), he told me about the cast and crew's time in Orlando, FL, shooting the first forty episodes. A lot of them were staying in the same condos, which happened to have a community pool, hot-tub, billiards table, all kinds of fancy stuff... Because he and Wesley Mann (Caterpillar) had complicated costumes, their days on set were limited, and they had more free time than most. Patrick recalled their many times relaxing in the hot-tub -- in fact Wesley would even say "meet you in the jacuzzziiii!" When my best friend Jenna interviewed Andi Copley (the executive producer), she told her that she once had to reprimand Elisabeth Harnois, who had a large family that traveled with her for this project, when one night she brought her cousin to the hot-tub very late and was basically being showy about it like "look how cool it is that we sneaked out late!" 
> 
> I thought all of this was really funny, so when I was interviewing John Hoffman (Hatter), I asked if the hot-tub was part of his after-shooting ritual. He laughed at me. Said he hated hot-tubs. Couldn't stand them - they drove him crazy - "hot bubbling water on my-- no no, that's for a tea-bag, not me." That is the quote ad verbatim; I have it recorded.
> 
> So then one day... it seemed time to write a new AIW fanfic, and "someone having a hot-tub" popped into my nog. Who would have it? Oh, I knew: Hatter. Yes, indeed.
> 
> P.S. There isn't actually hot-tub sex, but damnit, it was attempted. Story is rated Mature; don't say I didn't warn you.

Hare was not exactly upset at this point, but he was rather irritated that Hatter hadn’t answered his telephone all day. And it wasn’t that he didn’t have a spare key so that he could check up on him… he just couldn’t remember where it _was_ because he never had to use it! He'd called outside Hatter's locked doors for probably ten minutes until he realized he might have to spend the day alone. Quite lost about how to do such a thing, he resorted to wandering from one place to the next, trudging through the day's chores, or trying to incept himself (unsuccessfully) into other people’s activities.

Later in the afternoon, he was sitting at the table on his patio, munching on a stick of celery and feeling utterly useless. He had told himself many times over not to depend so much on that crazy hat-clad man, with his ridiculously beautiful face and playful antics. During their better days, he admitted with a timid giggle that he was a clingy best friend. But on days like this? No admittance was more pathetic.

After a particularly long and thoughtful chew, he swallowed and started grumbling to himself. “Oh, I don’t _know_ , maybe he went to the palace…”

Out of nowhere, a pair of eyes were staring at him from the other end of the table. Gradually, purple fur and a dozen smile lines also appeared. “I’m right here, honey-bunny.” At first, Hare looked surprised, then he drew in his lips and hooked his arms close to his chest.

“ _Where_ did you hear that?”

“What, I don’t even get a ‘hello’?”

“Well _you_ never said ‘hello’ to _me!”_ Hare realized he had leaned over the table and gotten bitchy _really_ fast, so he forced himself to ease back into his chair. “And you also didn’t answer my question.” The Cat cocked an eyebrow and raised a smirk.

“I heard it from your… buddy.” The Cat's coy cackling made Hare's brow scrunch together for just a moment before he remembered how lonely he was. He directed a wistful gaze to the entrance of the forest before he asked about that buddy:

“Have you seen him anywhere? He's been ignoring me all day.”

“Mmm… nnnope, can’t say that I have. But I’ve been far too busy anyway. It was only ten minutes ago that I finally conquered a ball of yarn.”

Even though the Cheshire Cat was usually annoying as fuck (and had been only a few seconds ago), Hare found sentiment in his arrival on such a lonely day. “So you thought you’d visit me first?” He asked with some type of sparkle in his eye. The corner of the Cat’s mouth dropped.

“I… I guess. Don’t count on it happening all the time.”

It was hard to tell if Hare had heard him, as he went straight back to the thought he was having, flapping his hands even: “I mean he didn't even call me! I thought if he were up to something, he'd let me know so I could get on with my life, but he never just _disappears_ like this.” The Cat was already getting tired, and obviously did not have the same inclination to obsess about Hatter’s whereabouts.

“Why don't you just hang around the tea table until he gets back? Doesn't he have to have a tea party about now... or something?” The Cheshire Cat threw out. Hare gasped.

“You're right! Hatter _should_ be coming back for tea! I don't know why I didn't think of it – you can't stop a tea party no matter _how_ busy you are! Thanks, Cheshire Cat! You _really_ are a lot more clever than people say!”

Just as Hare ran off, the Cat just floated there. _Who_ thought he wasn’t clever? He threw up his paws and vanished.

* * *

Four'o'clock – the time of Hatter's tea parties, no exceptions – was fast approaching, and it was Hare's intent to show up at his door and tell him what a negligent friend he'd been. He was going to lay it on thick, too. Before he left, he checked himself in the mirror.

When he reached 1602 Teapot Terrace, day-old cups and saucers were still sitting out under the sun. There was no evidence that Hatter had come out to tend to this matter, except for the fact that… the door was ajar! Hare gasped. He entered the house and it was suspiciously silent, but Hatter left another mark of his presence in the kitchen, where a bag of bread was lying on the counter... without a twisty.

Up the stairs, he ventured! Hatter must have been up there having a snack, dancing with that dummy, or something of equal pointlessness compared to hanging with his best friend which would make catching him an all the more scandalous affair. Hare reached the attic and went “AHA” before it was even clear to him what he was seeing. Once it was, his jaw dropped.

At the center of the attic was a questionable machine spreading its wires across the floor like tree roots. It looked like a marvelous, mechanical Christmas tree, with sparkling lights and red bulbs for levers. At the very top was a glass tank that looked remarkably similar to the incubator they had once used to raise chickens, but now it harbored a brilliant, glowing star. Just as he would be on a Christmas morning, Hatter was hovering around the scene with insuppressible excitement with a grin as wide as the Cheshire Cat's below a ginorous pair of goggles. When he realized Hare's arrival, he reacted accordingly:

“Hare! Stay where you are: this is dangerous!”

Hare obeyed, but he sputtered as his whole mind was swept with an intense mixture of giddiness and sorrow. “But-but-… but _I’m_ your assistant.” Hatter frowned at him but had to hurry for the power outlet, where he shut off the thing and submerged the two in darkness.

Hare, still clinging to the banister, asked with a tremble of excitement: “what are you doing?!”

“Hare, you’re never going to believe this, but I’ve just harnessed star power!” Hare fumbled with his words again. “Or maybe 'stellar power' is what it's called. Listen, I know we didn’t talk about it, but it happened so suddenly! I found another fallen star, and... didn't have the heart to throw it back. Then, what do you know, Bingo's Electrical Accessories was having a 12 hour sale and, and… I was overcome by a strange force. It was like life laid at my fingertips. Like the star was my child in waiting! It was like my father would’ve wanted me to complete his work-“

“-What?”

“Actually, I’m not sure. I’m hoping my theatrics will get me off the hook, here, and you’ll be too amazed to care that I forgot about you.” A silence remained, so Hatter turned on the lights. Hare was frowning most deeply, even as Hatter hurried to him and clasped his shoulders. “Hare, I'm sorry. Will you help me now? I think I'm over my head, here!”

Hare pouted a little before answering. “Well that tends to happen when you don't have an _assistant._ ”

Hatter dropped his hands and trailed “I get the point. Jesus.” As he approached the machine again, he waved his hand across the biggest three levers. “I'll show you how it works,” he said. Hare forgot that he was mad and took a deep anticipating breath. “This lever turns it on,” he began. “The second very _carefully_ subjects the wire to the heat of the star. And I'm talking _ridiculously high_ levels of heat, Hare. There are a million nuclear reactions happening inside the star every second.” Hare's eyes widened. “Now, luckily, this star came from far, far, away, but this keeps the heat from incinerating Earth. It's too small. It's a star that contains itself. It has _won't-_ power, if you will.”

“Okay, and, and... what do you plan to use it for?” Hare queried, rubbing his hands together.

“Well, I don't know yet. I was thinking of trying it out on that Easy Bake oven we bought, about two summers ago?”

“It doesn't work anymore?” Hare suddenly looked disappointed.

“'Fraid not. But anyway, that's not the point – I can't use it for stuff like that. The power of the star is too fantastic! As soon as I turn the third lever, it will send enough energy into the machine of your choice to blow up Mount Wondermore. It's like an invisible, gaseous hamster, running in a wheel for seven centuries, but that time is condensed into a millisecond.” Hare looked like he was going to melt into a puddle of awe. Seeing his dear bunny's reaction, Hatter was overcome by a glorious realization of his own genius. “It's amazing, isn't it?!” And tears were already in his eyes.

Hare curled up his fingers close to his mouth as he looked down to his path and stepped carefully between the wires to reach him.

“Hatter, if you're the first person to discover this technology, you could be famous!” Hatter blinked. “I mean, they would surely give you a Nobel Peace Prize, o-o-or a million wobucks! Or _something!"_

“A million wobucks, huh? Ahehehh, well that's a possibility.” Hatter looked off in space.

“Well, you could always become famous and rich tomorrow – let's go find something to use it on!” Hare gestured towards the stairs with zeal, and Hatter tried to seem on board, but the wheels were a'turning.

“How about you go get on that, and I'm gonna go make a telephone call, alright?”

“I'll wait for you!”

“No, you shouldn't. It's going to take a while.”


	2. Let's Get Compensated

The following day, the pair were riding their bikes down a particularly long road past an entrance gate. Hatter had given his name to a receptionist through the intercom, and they had since been going along in silence. The only sound besides the wind and the birds was a subtle thumping that issued from a box in the basket of Hatter's bike.

They had barely talked since the past afternoon, and it came as a surprise to Hare that he was invited to witness this “great moment”, or so Hatter suspected it to be. Sure, he had been welcome to stay at the house the previous night, but Hatter was cooped up in the attic making very important phone calls all up until he flopped into bed and went straight to snoring. Screw that. Hare went home. Before he did, he had to turn the lights out in the attic. The only thing to be seen in there before he left was the star a'glow on top the bizarre contraption Hatter had crafted. With that in mind, he went home feeling cheated out of a perfectly good adventure.

“Hatter, are you sure you want to do this?” Hare finally asked.

“Of course I am. It was _your_ idea, anyway! We might make a lot of money off of this!” He answered, seeming a bit irked by the question but trying nonetheless to enjoy the sunshine.

“It's just, I... I thought about it, and it feels like I hardly got to spend any... any quality time with the star.”

“Trust me, it's not interested in you or anybody else,” Hatter answered again, causing Hare's brow to crinkle up quite suddenly.

“What in the world does _that_ mean?”

“This thing was hopping out of the tank and jumping under my covers,” he said, swishing his hand at the box. “It was like a dog that thought there was a ghost in the house. I had to smack it off me all night!”

“So what, it's alive now?” Hare wondered as he steered his bike a few feet farther from Hatter's.

“Well in my small experience with stars, I think it's attracted to me. It might even be the same star as last time! And in that case, it really wants me to be Spectacularma-” Suddenly, Hatter's sentence turned into incoherent utterances, as though he had forgotten what he was saying. “Ahhh, well, well, well, I mean, one time I saw a star in the sky. That's all I meant. Hey look, we finally made it! Race ya to the bike rack!”

Hatter didn't even wait for a sign that Hare was ready before he flew off down the rest of the road with one hand to keep his hat from whipping right off his head. Hare didn't seem quite so confused suddenly, but he was quick to pursue the swish of purple that had cheated him out of a fair game.

Hatter slid under the shade, skidding his shoes across the concrete until his bike came to a smooth stop right in front of the rack. Even as his partner rolled in next to him, he was too busy “whooping” obliviously to himself. “Let's get this star insiiiide, let's get this star, alllrightttt~” He went on as he took the box towards the automatic doors. Hare's shoulders slumped, and with a sigh he gazed up at the Wonderland Alternative Energy sign above their heads.

They crossed a vast lobby with not a single window and extremely retro looking carpet (I mean more retro than usual.) Hare couldn't help but stare at the geometric shapes in his path while Hatter led them about in random directions. “So I guess it's pretty simple: I'm dropping off the star and getting a paycheck. Seems legit.”

He spotted a woman with poofy hair that gave her head the appearance of a giant chestnut, sitting at a desk and filing her nails. She muttered the lyrics to the song coming through the lobby speakers before Hatter dropped the box on the counter and rang the bell ten times in a row. “Hi there! I'm the Mad Hatter. I've got that star to drop off?” The woman caught sight of the thumping coming from inside the box and jumped off of her chair.

“You put a star inside of a cardboard box?” She asked with her eyes bulged. Hatter gestured with his hand something to the effect of “yeah so?” Hare was just as numb-skulled as his partner and stood by his side in an equal state of apathy. “You know stars are radioactive, right?”

Hatter and Hare looked to each other and darted their eyes around.

“Okay, I'm going to call in some professionals,” she said, frowning at them while her hand reached blindly for the telephone. While she was busy, Hare's hands crept up and fidgeted with Hatter's sleeve. In no time, two workers in full-body suits came through a set of double doors that seemed to open around them by their own accord. Mist trailed in their path, and Hatter became rather curious what it was down the hall from which they had emerged. The receptionist had evidently notified them about the state of his arrival, because all they did was rush past him and take the box before it inched off of the counter-top.

“Mr. Hatter, we gave you specific instructions about how to bring the star to the facility,” the receptionist said. All Hatter could do was laugh humorlessly as Hare's hands tightened around his arm.

“H-Hey, I think I know my own star!”

“No offense, but we've worked with hundreds of stars. We're not liable if you get cancer, okay?” The two men in suits turned away and disappeared through the doors, and Hare's gaze lingered on them as if they had just given their child up for adoption. Hatter looked equally disappointed for a second, but then he remembered he was getting paid. He turned to the receptionist.

“So, I understand if it's too much money to give me in person, so I set up a super duper bank account--” he started, but she signed and slapped a check in front of him.

“There you are. 10,000 wobucks.”

Hatter darted his eyes around as his gloved fingers landed tentatively on the check. “What is this, like a down payment?”

“Sir, I'm going to explain this to you the same way it was explained last night when you called before closing and kept our Stellar Department thirty minutes overtime: we have dealt with fallen stars before, and you did _not_ discover stellar power. We appreciate your contribution and we're giving you a very generous compensation.” By then she had gone back to filing her nails, but Hatter sputtered as though there had been a misunderstanding. He dug into his pocket for a folded paper and waved it over the counter.

“Well you'll at least be needing _this_. It's the blue-prints for my machine!”

“I don't know what you concocted at home, but if it's made of cardboard, we're certainly not interested. Have a nice day!” She smiled in the direction of her computer screen while swatting her hand. All at once, Hatter's face squished up like a raisin in outrage. He made a very dramatic gesture out of swooping up the check, and with his other hand he scooped up Hare and urged him away.

“Come on, Hare!” He ordered, and while Hare would not have usually cooperated by such force, he had rarely seen Hatter's bubble popped and was beside himself in bafflement.

* * *

Long bike-rides on a breezy Spring day could tame Hatter's temper; he even grew to accept to himself on their way home that 10,000 wobucks was _a lot of money!_ Money he hadn't dreamed of having all at once. However, Hare had gone suspiciously silent. At first he thought he was giving him some space to vent about the whole ordeal, but then it came to look as if it was _Hare_ who wanted space... from him!

“Sorry for grabbing you like that,” he tried, but Hare just shrugged. “Some jerks they were, right?!”

“Heh,” Hare answered, forcing a micro-smile.

They were passing a wall of trees along the roadside. Hatter knew that just a few miles down the path there was a superb Tea & Crumpet store where he could imagine indulging himself. He even had a stretchy rope tied to each side of his basket to contain a stack of tea boxes and crumpet tins. In thought, he had failed to realize he had slowed considerably and Hare was ahead of him, so he pumped his pedals until they were side by side again.

“Say, how should we spend this money?”

“I don't know. It's yours.”

“Heheheh... Heh... Heh...” Hatter continued to laugh to himself, aware there was something awkward about this conversation but helplessly oblivious to details. “Well, you _are_ my assistant. And Lord knows I need one for my finances, if nothing else.”

“Well I won't make a very good assistant if you keep things from me.”

“Wh-igh... What do you mean?” Hare took the time to glance at Hatter, and Hatter could sense many thoughts unknown to him that Hare was not sure how to articulate.

It had been several months since a truly awe-inspiring, lion-hearted, boxer-short wearing superhero had graced Wonderland and then “gone off to other lands” without much explanation. Although he had the voice of Kermit the Frog and a six-pack to out-pack Hatter a million times over, something had always been familiar about him. The only thing that had ever really cleared away his suspicions was that he had no knowledge of fallen stars finding their way to Hatter's lap.

All during this ride back, even, he had been looking to the sky, wondering what it could possibly mean, or if some other purpose could have been made out of the star. Hare gripped his handles even tighter and stuttered out his answer.

“W-w-well it wouldn't have killed you to tell me you were a superhero, I DON'T KNOW.”

Hatter's jaw dropped. He was sure he had kept this a secret from everybody and evaded actual admittance, because he was just that stupid. But it hit him like a ton of bricks, anyway.

“Oh God.”

“I mean I pretty much suspected it was you. Don't you think I know my Hatter?”

“Hare, it-it-it barely happened for a day! I knew I'd never hear the last of it if everybody knew I gave it up.”

“Nobody had to know except me!” Hare shouted, and for the next ten minutes they argued about it, oblivious to joggers and other passersby.

“Look, I'm sorry,” Hatter said, glancing over his shoulder. They had passed up the tea store, and he was not so good at making it up to people, but he remembered the check. “Hey listen, I really want you to help me spend this. We'll get something fantastic for both of us!”

“Really?”

“Yeah! Something we've always wanted!” Hare sighed. He wasn't sure what he wanted, but the prospect of having whatever struck their fancy made his heart race.

“Well okay!”

“Yayyy!”

And so they laughed all the way to the Wonderland Mall.


	3. Let's Get Wet

Rabbit wasn't even looking where he was going as he swooped past the courtyard and into the throne room with that day's mail. Everything in the past twenty-four hours had been so peaceful: the Cheshire Cat hadn't appeared, her Majesty seemed to be in a good mood, and he'd seen a wonderfully engaging episode of “Whose Carrots Are They, Anyway?” which inspired much of his giggling on the way to the royal mailbox. But then he received the mail, with two obnoxious letters on top: one for him, and one for Her Majesty.

The letters were in bright, neon envelopes with stamps and stickers galore, and they seemed to be written on by somebody who'd had a drink or two. No, it was just the Hatter and the Hare.

He held the letter out in front of him, squinting, frowning, muttering his suspicions to himself, and wondering if he should open it before the Queen even saw it. He might save her a headache, which would save _him_ a headache. However, she was right there as soon as he brought in the letter for closer inspection.

“Did I get my magazines?” She asked, hands on her hips. Rabbit tripped into a halt and tried to stuff the letter away.

“O-oh yes, oh yes, yo'a~ Majesty... it's all right here—”  
  
“What's that?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing,” he muttered while he dug through his mailbag. “Here we are~, a brrRRand new copy of Selfish, Lives of the Royal, and...ehh... Venus Intimates...” He handed each one to the Queen, but she maintained a heavy frown and tossed the stack onto the nearest table.

“It's not a letter from Duchy, is it?” Rabbit sighed.

“No, no... it's just... ehhh...” Without asking him, the Queen struck her hand into his bag and easily found it again, what with the bright green envelope.

“The Hatter and—?” Her frown flopped even further down her face as she handed the letter back to Rabbit. She clearly expected him to do the dirty work, so he fumbled and opened it.

> “ _To our fair, fuzzy, and faithful friend, the White Rabbit,”_ he started, already bemused.
> 
> “ _Our own Mad Hatter, from a long line of Odd Balls born and raised in Wonderland, has donated a gracious gift to the scientific community and enjoys his compensation from the Wonderland Alternative Energy Association. Basically what we're trying to say is he came into a lot of money. He will be revealing the grandest of luxuries this afternoon, at 1602 Teapot Terrace. The party will start at 3:00pm. Tea and other refreshments will be provided._
> 
> _P.S. You WILL get wet. Bring a bathing suit!"_

Below all of the writing was a giant graphic of a box with a question mark on it, surrounded by many statements of encouragement. “'Don't miss out'?” Rabbit read aloud in disbelief. The Queen held the paper closely under her nose and read some more.

“'You will probably never know anybody else with one of these'?”

Before they could have a proper discussion, they could hear the Tweedles approaching the courtyard. In equal confusion, Dee was reading to Dum the letter which they too had received. “'It's more awesome than you can handle'... 'Of course you'll be jealous, but at least we're sharing it'?”

Shortly, all four of them were standing together, giving each other looks of skepticism. Each of them turned back to their respective letters and read on.

“'Something is wrong with you if you aren't at least curious'?” Dum piped up.

“Ogh!! What in the world are they talking about?” The Queen exploded.

“I guess we won't know unless we go. _I'm_ curious,” Dum reasoned. They all muttered to themselves a similar confession.

“I guess we could just _stop_ by,” Dee said. “I've heard some good things about the W.A.E.” Rabbit looked like he was on his way to weaseling out of this one, but her Majesty flapped her wrist and went to scoop up her magazines.

“Well as long as it's nothing chuckleheaded. Rabbit, let me know when 3'o'clock rolls around,” she said with her back turned. As she left the throne room, Rabbit wanted to sink down and share his most candid concerns with the Tweedles, but they too were on their way.

“Three it is! We'll see ya later, Rabbit!” Dum shouted over his shoulder before they hopped the fence. His brother trailed on:

“I mean it probably _is_ chuckleheaded, but I've got nothing else to do.”

* * *

With Rabbit in tow, the Queen arrived punctually at the gates of Hatter's house that afternoon. Behind them were the Tweedles and Alice, who were guessing ahead of time what Hatter may have bought with his money. Suddenly, Hare came out the swinging door and greeted them all with a regal air about him.

“Welcome, welcome, everybody! It's good to see you here, today, the day Hatter will reveal his most epic of purchases.” The guests all smiled at each other excitedly. “Surely, you're all wondering what the Hatter has done with his collection from Wonderland A.E.” They began to nod. “What was once long coveted, and now duly attained!” They nodded further. “What speaks to every heart’s yearning, really.” They nodded even further, beginning to swish their hands impatiently. “What -”

“Oh, will you get on with it already?!” The Queen demanded. Hare jumped a little and gaped.

“Okay fine, but I just want to add in that this wouldn't have been possible without me, because I'm Hare, and I'm important, too. If Hatter is the head of most of our operations, i-it should be _just_ as acknowledged that _I’m_ the neck, and the neck turns the head any way it wants! I was the one who picked out the brand! You hear me?! I _picked_ out the _ **brand**_ _!_ ” He repeated, clenching his fists, and he dropped to his knees.

By then, the glare on the Queen's face had sunk her brow so low it was hard to tell if she could see him anymore. The rest of the crowd looked equally agitated with Hare's outburst. Hare stood up again and cleared his throat. “Well, it's in the back.” He gestured towards the trail and went back through the swinging “IN” door, so they followed his instruction.

When they reached the back gate, Hatter was standing grandly next to a large angular object covered by a tarp, and he was wearing his most strapping tuxedo. To his other side was a table with a pitcher of lemonade and a group of cups all with miniature umbrellas.

“Oh, what a great turn-up! It looks like we're going to have to take turns!” Hatter said. “Of course, I get to go first because it's mine.” He nodded before turning around and flicking a button on a funky, purple boombox. Though it would seem the soothing tunes beckoned everyone forward, they didn't seem satisfied with the size of what he was hiding.

“Well, what is it?” Rabbit asked.

“Rabbit, I would sit down if I were you,” Hatter answered. Rabbit darted his eyes around but stayed by the Queen's side. “Now at first I wasn't sure what to do with the money. I mean there was _so_ much of it that I frankly could have had anything. I could have traveled the world, I could have hired a personal chef, a personal masseuse, a personal hair-stylist, but... I mean... do I really... _need_ … that?” He did a scale gesture. “I could have _also_ bought a real castle in Hinterland! But anyway--.”

As he spoke, it was unclear whether they were paying attention to anything except how close his swishing hands got to the tarp. “ _Then_ I remembered there was one thing I've always wanted and am totally not afraid of.” Hare stepped out next to Hatter and they gave each other knowing grins before Hatter yanked off the tarp and shouted “TA-DAAAA!”

A bubbling jacuzzi was revealed. He smiled and nodded with his eyes wide, but it seemed this hot surprise was getting a luke-warm reception.

“Ahh? Ahhhhh?” Although Hatter continuously presented it as if they had not been looking in the right direction, or not looking hard enough, Rabbit checked his pocket-watch while the Queen tapped her foot. The Tweedles were trying to find their enthusiasm, but in truth, they would have preferred a pool, if anything. Fortunately, Alice was there to humor them.

“Cool!”

The Hatter took what he could get and nodded fervently.

“Isn't it?!” Hare chimed in. “Here, we'll show you what it can do! You've _never_ seen a hot-tub like this one before!”

Before she knew it, they both had her by the arms and ushered her up the wooden steps. Alice was noticeably terrified that they might shove her in while she was still wearing her cute frilly shirt and romper -- and tried to avoid getting knocked in by accident, too.

Meanwhile, Hatter obliviously swished his arms above her head and all around, to point out all the perks of his new fixation. “It’s got _all_ the lights: regular lights, backlights, underwater glow lights, strobe-lights, _reading_ lights...! If you need to pull a book out after the sun sets, this’ll have you covered. Relaxing and dim… _or_ seizure-inducing. Whichever you prefer.”

Rabbit had begun to seem impressed, but then was very paranoid at the thought of being ambushed by flashes and lasers while he was settling into a good story.

“Your Majesty, _you’ll_ like _this_ : it has massage jets~~! That’s right, it’s ready to soothe all those aches and pains after a long day ruling…” He looks back down to Alice. “Er, on the paper route? Studying? Whatever you kids do back in Not-Wonderland.” Alice’s eyebrow shot right up before she went back to peering into the hot-tub’s steamy, rumbling currants.

“Okay, so it’s relaxing. Great. We’re really… _so_ happy for you,” Dee told Hatter, smiling, but also in a dismissive fashion. Dum just crossed his arms and nodded with his eyes half closed.

“Ahh, Tweedles… always so hard to please. _Well!_ I’m not even half done yet, explaining the uses of this thing,” Hatter told them, which made Hare come walking by in front of them, with a very satisfied smirk as if to say “such foolish premature judgement. He’s gonna knock your socks off.” Dee just rolled his eyes at him.

“Mhm. I don’t even know why I’m using this boombox: it’s got an _entire_ surround-sound system built in. Why, you can get a whole massage _to the beat_ of your jams… if you want _._ While your drink’s being mixed at the tiki-bar,” he said, pressing a button that shot up a little mini bar with a self-shaking mixer and a bunch of viles of liquid. It looked like a tiny, tropical pipe-organ.

“Okay, so it can get us drunk,” Dum deduced, still smug.

“It can get you _whatever you wanna be_ , Dum,” Hatter answered suggestively. “It can send you off drunk, well-read, pampered, or shoe-shined--”

“Shoe-shined?!” Dee repeated, certain he had misheard.

“Oh yeah. There’s a shoe-shiner,” Hatter just sort of threw in before he had other subjects of interest. “Throw some vegetables down here, and it’ll brew you some stew,” he said, opening a little cabinet on the side. “Bam. Dinner’s done. Didn’t even have to think about it--”

“Oh, but wait a moment, i-it doesn’t use the _same_ water~ that, t-that you’ve been soaking in, does it?” Rabbit interrupted. This concern was very much the Queen’s, too. Hatter just darted his eyes around as he slapped the cabinet door closed, with haste.

“You know, I will have to check the fine-print of the instruction manual and get back to you on that,” he answered, before he turned to Hare and stage-whispered: _“Hare, uh, why don’t you go inside and see if there’s something edible in the kitchen.”_

“ _I thought we were having stew-- oh._ ”

Hare shuffled off awkwardly with a combination of nerves and disappointment while everyone else just looked right past him and came to take a closer look.

“Well, what else does it do?!” Dum asked for the group, which Hatter was happy to answer. In fact, Hatter’s soaring salesmanship and the expanding enthusiasm of his audience was all Hare heard as he rummaged through the kitchen cupboards, feeling more like some housewife than his business partner.


	4. Let's Do Alice's Homework

Hare's only happy thought was that later on he’d finally get to use the hot-tub himself, and he would do so in the most seductive of ways, he fantasized. He’d already picked out a song from the playlist on the surround sound, and created a whole light show that smelled like rose-petals, when Hatter wasn’t looking.

But then nobody fucking left!

By eight o’clock they were all sitting under the reading lights, each with their own reading material in their hands. Rabbit had on bifocals, with a copy of _Furry Little Secret_. Tweedle Dee also had glasses, as he chipped away at the essays of the famous astronomer, Isaac Myewton (who bore a certain resemblance to the Cheshire Cat…) Her Majesty was mildly tipsy and flipping through the pages of _Selfish_ magazine. Hatter had a picture book about the history of suspenders.

Alice, for some reason, was also still there, and squished between them in her sparkling blue bathing suit, doing her… homework?

“So if all of Bert’s gumballs are red, and he has twice as many gumballs as Sylvia, who has 16, and then Leonard gives her nine of his, which are also yellow,” she explained to Hatter, who was about to yawn, but then looked terribly confused. “...and everyone dumps them into a bag, what percentage of them are orange?” Hatter’s fuzzy brow gathered as he answered:

“Well, they’re **all** gonna be orange, at this rate, if they started off red and yellow, and a bunch of sweaty hands were passing them around.” Alice’s reaction was leaning irritated for a second, before she had her “aha!” moment.

“Wow… I never thought of it that way. This must be a trick question! 100%!” Alice gleefully scribbled onto her paper with the convenient little turn-table that popped out of the side of the hot-tub. Hatter began to nod most surely: his cleverness really did surprise even him sometimes. Then Alice stopped and frowned at her work. “Do you think the teacher will mind that there’s speckles of water all over this?”

“Water marks? Nahhh. That’s the least of any teacher’s problems. Why, some people’s homework has already been eaten by their dog by the time they turn it in,” Hatter answered, causing Rabbit to look up and scrunch his face at him.

Hare, meanwhile, had sort of just been haunting the living room the past two hours. They kept asking him if he wanted to hop in, and he had kept arching his eyebrows as high as they would go, insisting he would “get in _later_ ,” (that last part being said while staring dead into Hatter’s eyes), but Hatter did not have such great powers of deduction tonight, so there he was.

“I can’t believe he’s in there reading a book on suspenders, philosophizing about gumballs… instead of sending everybody home so we can have special _couple’s_ time in that thing! Did it even occur to him it was practically _made_ for ulterior purposes?!” From nowhere, he whipped out the instruction manual, which had winky-face emojis after practically every sentence.

Just then, he heard the sliding door open behind him, so he turned around. Hatter had a towel slung around his shoulders and a doofy, content smile on his face. Hare could see behind him that all the lights had been turned off as Hatter closed the door. “Oh, hey, Hare. You’re still _here_? I thought you went home.”

Hare’s mouth fell as he just leisurely strolled past him and opened up his laundry closet to toss in the towel… and his swim trunks. “In fact, I think I specifically remember you telling me you were leaving,” he carried on, buck naked in the hallway.

Hare tried his best not to be fixated on his perfectly toned back-side before he answered -- nay, grumbled:

“ _I mean I_ _ **did**_ _, but it was just mind games--”_

“Huh?”

“Nothing.”

Hatter knew all about Hare’s mind games but wasn’t in the mood for it, so he played his best card of cluelessness… which was similar to many of his other cards. You could say he really had been preparing his entire life to seem like he couldn’t possibly pick up on the one thing he didn’t want people to know he knew. It also came in handy when he really didn’t know, but wanted people to wonder if he possibly did anyway.

Evidently, he was confusing himself now, based on the look he stopped and gave to his own dewy, glistening reflection in a nearby mirror... but this just worked perfectly to convince Hare.

Much to his surprise, Hatter came and placed his hands on both his shoulders, smiling in that sweet way that he did. “This was such a great idea. And I have _you_ to thank for it!” Before Hare knew it, he was deep in this damp, glistening naked man’s embrace, and looking to the ceiling as if to ask _“why, God,_ _why must this be such a bittersweet blessing?”_

“Oh, it’s nothing--”

“I mean, if it weren’t for you, I might have put ten butlers in a cage, fighting for a thimble. Or bet on every horse in a derby, then bought the winner and named her something cheeky like Equestria Haysworth or something. You know I couldn’t handle a horse.”

“You couldn’t,” Hare confirmed, his expression beginning to soften as he plunked his chin over Hatter’s bare shoulder.

“Money makes me excited.”

“I’m fond of it myself,” Hare told him, starting to smell him a little, but he mostly just smelled like chlorine. His bubble popped soon after, as Hatter broke away and notioned for the stairs.

“Well, I’d better shower down and call it a night. You must be tired, too. Hey, take some of that stew home.”


	5. Let's Forget About Alice's Homework

It occurred to Hare some time shortly after that night that he was being kind of a shady, passive-aggressive bitch, so he decided to jump headfirst into the hot-tub bandwagon with the rest of his friends. It _was_ an extremely relaxing experience. It was also the only place anybody was hanging out, so if he didn’t participate he would have gotten awfully lonely.

Yes, yes, in a very short time, it was becoming a type of campfire for the gang, bringing them together in ways they had thought were impossible. Or, well, unlikely at least.

“So, hold up a minute…” Dum struck up his palms and turned to Alice: “ _How_ many gumballs did Frank have, again?” They were up and at it, again: Alice, the Tweedles, Hatter, Hare… oblivious and complacent as the hours spent in that hot-tub poured into the night. Hatter’s lanterns bathed the porch in soft, golden illumination, now. A ravished charcuterie tray was sitting on the turn-table. Alice grabbed herself a bite of cheese as she squinted down at her worksheet.

“Eleven,” she answered.

“Oh okay, see, I thought you said seven.”

“Oh! So did I! That means all my calculations are wrong,” Hatter muttered, amongst other things, as he plugged the new number into the hot-tub calculator. He also, for some reason, was wearing a lay and a puka-shell crown, sipping some exotic concoction from the tiki bar.

“We’ve _reall_ y got to figure this one out this time, guys!” Alice reminded them. “Mrs. Donohue wasn’t happy with last week’s homework.” Hatter was still a little wounded that his answer got marked with red ink, but was willing to try again:

“You hear that, Dum? We have to think about this purely mathematically,” Hatter stressed, having no idea how ridiculous he looked. Dum didn’t seem to, either.

“Sure, sure, but why are Kenny and Susan _sharing_ gumballs? I’m just asking for a friend,” he clarified, just as Hatter turned his back to him to keep calculating.

“They’re brother and sister,” Alice answered. Dum tried to ask this next question out of Dee’s hearing range.

“And do _you_ share candy with _your_ brother?” They spent about five solid seconds just staring at each other before Alice realized:

“No, I would never.”

“Exactly. As soon as you _share,_ they aren’t _yours_ anymore. And since the question was--”

“How many of the gumballs belong to Susan--?”  
  


“The answer would be zero, ‘cause Kenny’s a stingy, selfish, klepto assho--”

“You _know_ I heard everything you guys just said… right, brother?” Dee suddenly piped up and asked, as he was getting his toenails painted by a little robotic hand holding a nail-polish brush. The color was called _Galaxy._ Dum was speechless all up until Hatter screeched:

“BINGO! She has thirty-seven, and I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was a VERY GOOD BROTHER,” he insisted, slapping his lay against his chest for emphasis, “and I _**committed**_ to HALF-SIES. You can call up Gladys right this second and ask!”

They all looked off to the other, forgotten side of the hot-tub when the karaoke track emanating from the speakers suddenly spiked up and swallowed their conversation. Hare had been sitting there the entire time with just his legs in the water, swaying back and forth like a salacious lounge-singer atop a piano. He also didn’t take kindly to Hatter yelling over his crooning.

“Sorry, Hare,” he told him. Hare just shrugged and turned the music back down, getting into his zone again.

~ ~ ~

By nine o’clock, everybody was drying off and on their way home. There seemed not to be a care in the world, until Hatter vaguely remembered the inside of his house. Hare was nearby, sipping the rest of his peach bellini with a cool and collected air about him, observing Hatter as he then glanced around at trash, empty glasses, and snack spreads.

“Oh, Hatter, hey!” Dum came running back from the gate with a bright smile on his face that Hatter tried to match. “Are we still on for our little breakfast dip? I really want to see what that roll-out flat-top can do! You’ve got eggs, right?”

His smile was unbalanced as he answered: “Oh, I’m sure, I do!”

As Dum ran off again, Hatter sighed and started taking himself through an inner journey to his kitchen, to see if there was a memory of purchasing and storing eggs…

“Hatter?”

“HM?!”

He totally hadn’t even noticed Hare was there.

“Are you alright?”

“Of course, I’m alright! Hey, that was a _swell_ performance you put on with the karaoke machine. Felt like I was at a speak-easy. In fact, it was _very_ easy to speak.”

They had been approaching each other, meanwhile, Hare with a devilish look in his eye.

“Ohohoh… _Swell_ , was it?”

“S-sexy,” Hatter corrected himself, which Hare could much more agree with. “I mean obviously I wasn’t thinking that while we were sorting out Alice’s gumballs, uhh-- her gumball situation. But, before that… I had definitely noticed--.” Suddenly, Hare yanked him by the lay into a very welcoming kiss, in which both their tongues were definitely involved. It had more or less intoxicated Hatter, as they stood alone under the lanterns, with crickets their only company.

But he still thought he should try to carry on a conversation, apparently: “Yeah… you were like a… you were like one of those jazz radio hosts. But instead of just introducing the songs, y-you also-- you also sang them.” Hatter nodded to himself and clamped his lips into a smile as he felt Hare’s soft but sturdy arms hook him around the waist. They leaned towards each other until they were touching foreheads, gently rocking as if they were slow-dancing.

“ _Would you listen to my station?...”_ Hare asked him.

“ _Oh, absolutely…”_

“ _Would you… call in and make requests?”_

“ _Everyday… I would be a pest that you cannot... even_ _ **imagine**_ _.”_

“ _Would you… look up the address of my studio, and stand outside the doors waiting for just a glimpse of me, just a little_ _ **sliver**_ _… of acknowledgement. ‘He saw me… He knows my name now… I made him play all the songs that express how I feel; he had to’ve noticed…' And now our love story can finally begin… S’long as these security guards get off my dick about the legal definition of stalking--”_

“Hare?”

“ _Hm?”_

“I just realized I’ve got stacks of dishes as high as my elbows in there.”

Hare’s shoulders slumped. Dishes? Elbows? Not nearly as romantic as stalking.

“There’s actually a lot of other kinds of messes in there, too. I just… I just haven’t had the time to focus on chores, what with all the parties I’m throwing!” It was true: he had seen him have many parties as of recent: tea parties, hot-tub parties… The last thing he should have to do right then was throw a pity party for Hare and his blue balls.

Hatter had gone to straighten up the porch a little, and pile empty dishes on a tray, when Hare came up behind him. “Well, then… I’ll just see you tomorrow. You’re having a breakfast party too?” Hatter turned around and fumbled with Hare’s empty peach bellini glass.

“W-well it was just a last minute thing. You don’t have to come, if you don’t want.”

“I’ll come,” Hare told him. “Do you need me to bring anything? Napkins? Juice? ...Eggs?”

Hatter’s eyes got really big, and shiny, and glassy. “Y-you read my mind. I need ALL OF THAT.” He was startled when Hare’s hand landed on his shoulder and gave him a good shake. Even more disoriented when he brushed his lips against his.

“ _I gotcha…”_

“Goodnight, Hare,” he trailed, waving half-heartedly as his partner disappeared, and his whole body wilted.

Well… except for his crotch.


	6. Let's Do this Again Sometime REAL Soon

There were _indeed_ so many of the parties…! Hatter knew there was no time on top of it all to throw a pity party for his blue balls, so he just accepted that from 9am onwards he would be having the gayest of times once again with his dear friends.

 _Gay,_ _**gay** _ _,_ _ **gay as can be!** _

Before he knew it, Hare was over with the juices -- a selection of juices. And the napkins -- a whole pack! And the eggs, too -- three dozen of ‘em. Why he had so many could easily be a mystery to others.

“I just like eggs,” he thought of explaining, if someone were to ask.

Hatter knew all about the abundance of eggs Hare stocked in his fridge, so he really was not fazed at all, and just sort of obsessed with sprucing up his back porch enough that her Majesty would approve.

She was there, soon enough, after a morning walk with Rabbit: “Oh, it looks lovely around here!”

The Breakfast Dip really was a hit, too. Dum was juggling sausage links with spatulas, and Dee splashed around him, catching all the food on plates. They might as well have been watching The Blue Man Group. Rabbit even asked discreetly for Dum’s autograph, with a growing blush beneath his fur. “We gotta do this every week,” Dee told everyone else -- except Hatter, whose house it was.

“Absolutely!” The Queen concurred. “Why, it’s the first thing I’ve seen you do without screwing it up.” The Tweedles both laughed nervously, knowing that there was in fact at least one sausage beneath the water, sitting there like a turd in a toilet bowl. That would be Hatter’s surprise, later.

~ ~ ~

Hare couldn’t help but notice that Hatter looked all wired, like he’d plugged his coat tails into an electrical socket. He knew exactly what it meant, too, and wasn’t shy about confronting him again as he swept up all the greasy napkins from the porch floor.

“Hatter, have you been drinking coffee?”

“WHA?!” He whipped around with his eyes wide. “Aw geez, you startled me. I thought you left with the rest of them.” Growing evermore exasperated, Hare answered with his eyes rolling:

“ _No?”_

“I’ve just been sipping it, really! I _knew_ I would need it.”

“Hatter! Your tolerance is low enough that sipping is like downing a shot of espresso!”

“Oh, well I’m sure I’ve had a few of those by now: that’s what I was sipping.”

“You’ve been drinking straight up espresso?!” In the face of Hare worrying so much, Hatter could only cross his arms and flatten his lips shamelessly.

“If it works, it works.” And so he flipped back around and threw the rest of the garbage into a trash bag, then darted for the back door. It was pretty clear he was going to need help, but Hare wasn’t really sure how to _get in there_ , what with all the stuff he was carrying. Hatter balanced a stack of trays and plates on one arm, the same arm that had the trash bag. In his other hand he tried to open up the dish machine, and as he slanted his long, lean body he was unknowingly tilting the plates.

“Well, at least you can rest now,” Hare trailed, just before he realized he’d have to dive for those plates before they crashed at Hatter’s feet. Fortunately, the only thing that landed there was the towel that Hare had around his waist. He was wearing a bright green speedo underneath.

“No, I’m gonna be up and at it like a jackhammer until this espresso wears off. Probably after some _exhausting and strenuous activity--_ ” Hatter went on until finally his brain could catch up with his sight.

The two of them narrowed their eyes at each other, but didn’t speak. Hare set down the stack of plates at just the same time that Hatter dropped the trash-bag.

“Well _what did you have in mind?”_ Hare asked him in a noticeably lower voice.

“W-w-w-well I _dunno_ , d’you have any _suggestions_?” Hatter also sounded husky all of a sudden.

“ _Well you probably don’t want to leave the house…”_ Hare considered, inching closer to him.

“ _Oh, no. I definitely don’t have time for it today,”_ Hatter said, also inching.

“ _Something that’s just our little secret…”_

“ _I like secrets…”_

By now, they were bumping chests, and it seemed rather clear where all this coy conversation was going. Hare made sure to say his next bit with his lips all pouty and parted, and freshly licked:

“ _I’ll be the concrete to your jackhammer…”_

“ _Fantastic,_ ” Hatter told him, biting _his_ lips now, looking him right in the eye full of vigor and affection. Then, like two lightbulbs, both of his pointed fingers flashed up on either side of him. “You keep a lookout and I’ll go roll the spin-cycle out of storage.”

“No that’s not what I meant, Hatter,” Hare tried, just as he was shuffled out of the way.

“Oh gosh, I just remembered I need to turn on the auto-clean for the hot-tub, or it’ll just be _disgusting_ for the afternoon party!”

Hare had to follow him, again, outside to the hot-tub where he went searching for a button. He had already had enough of this shit! “Hatter?! You’re having _another_ party today?!” The auto-clean suddenly rumbled as the water started to churn. Hatter stood up from crouching behind the hot-tub, almost as if he had been hiding behind it. It didn’t quite feel right, but he put his hands on his hips anyway and tried to smile like he knew exactly what he was doing.

“Uhh… a _matinee_ , if you will! For anyone who missed it. Uh-uh-u-uhhh, the _Walrus_ is even coming from out of town!” Hare just frowned. “Yeah everyone’s been… writing to him about it… he’figured he’d… come and check it out himself-- _Hare,_ are you mad at me?”

As Hare sputtered, an unknown object that was brown, lumpy, and bloated in appearance had reached the surface of the water. The both of them were transfixed in horror by the sight.

~ ~ ~

By the time his friends had arrived for the _matinee dip_ , Hatter’s espresso spell had worn off. No sort of hanky panky had occurred. For all that time, he and Hare had only been roaming around the hat house, catching eye contact, and trying to decide how such a delicate subject as this should be handled.

Once everyone had disrobed, and the Walrus, Alice, and the Tweedles sat contentedly in the roiling bubbles, Hatter cleared his throat. Hare was standing next to him for moral support.

“It’s great to see everybody again. So, _so_ great, truly,” Hatter started. The Walrus gave him a little wave.. “Y-yeah, hi. So glad you’re here… Yup. Anyway. I don’t want to call anyone out or embarrass anyone, but… I just want to remind you all that the hot tub is _not_ a toilet. I can’t flush it. The water is what it is, and it’s _everybody’s_ , so we have to do our part in keeping it clean. Okay? We already learned our lessons about littering, and water pollution… Same deal.” Hatter swished his wrist as Hare nodded fervently.

The group just shrugged and acquiesced before they were back to chatting.

“Well, now that that’s been sorted, I’m gonna go,” Hare half-whispered to him, subtly brushing his arm.

“Oh. Oh yeah. Of course,” Hatter said, overcome by a very unexpected wist.

“I-I’ve got some things to do.”

“Totally understandable.”

Once Hare had left and couldn’t possibly see it, Hatter let a giant frown consume his entire face before he marched up to the hot-tub. He was tired of hosting, and just wanted to relax! Luckily, there was a vacant spot.

But just as he dipped in his toe, the Walrus stopped him: “Oh, no. Sorry… you can’t get in.”

Hatter scrunched up his lips. “Why not?!”

“Isn’t it obvious? Pinniped’s right there!”

Everyone was watching, which gave Hatter an enormous sense of pressure to do what was socially acceptable, so he lowered his toe back to the steps, then found a chair to flop into.


	7. Let's Pretend This Isn't Going On

The scene at Hatter’s tea party was a spitting image of the past… the _pre-hot-tub_ phase of his life. All the teapots were set across the table, artfully spaced amongst eclectic platters and plates, which were stacked with baked delights: scones, muffins, donuts, turnovers, cookies, madeleines, and personal pies. Definitely enough for everybody, yet there Hatter sat, alone, stirring his honey into a cup of vanilla chai.

He was also impeccably dressed, as a host should be: wearing his whitest tuxedo shirt; bowtie, centered and springy; suit, freshly dry-cleaned… If anyone was taking him home to their mama, this was the day to do it.

Somewhere off-screen, in the distance, muffled, was the unmistakable harmony of the Tweedles doing some kind of performative stunt, the Queen hooting as if she was a PU sorority sister again, and then a round of vigorous applause.

Yet, still, Hatter sat in his solitude, munching on an eclair.

There were other table settings, too: forks, spoons, and butter-knives laid upon cloth-napkins; cups turned upside down on saucers… none of which matched, of course, but it was still ever-so-charming.

He was having a thought, for a moment, as a girlish scream that may have been Rabbit’s was followed by a splash and a dunk... then he decided to turn on the Hat Channel. Hopefully it would drown out the sound-- but wait! As soon as he reached for the remote control in his pocket, he heard purring that reached his ears as if it travelled through an empty paper towel roll. This gave him some ability to guess where he’d spot his guest, now materializing.

The Cheshire Cat was known to surveil the Wonderlandians from time to time, maybe more of the time than anyone would even like to know. And of course he had to be there, to witness this sight, and what better way was there to greet him than to immediately point out what was wrong with it?

“Oh, hellooo, Hatterrr... Say… isn’t it four o’clock now?” Hatter glared at the Cat from underneath his eyebrows, then remembered he was supposed to act like everything was hunky-dory. It was his very important rule as of late, and definitely relevant to a lot of stuff going on in his life that past week.

So he perked up in his seat, adding even more honey to his tea as he replied: “No, Cat… It’s four- _thirty._ ”

The Cat cocked his eyebrow. “So... are all your guestsss... _late?_ ”

Hatter was still squeezing the honey bottle as a bunch of asynchronous whooping ensued, before he brought his teacup to his lips and nearly choked on honey. He licked his lips and pretended it hadn’t happened, then spelled it out for him:

“No, they’re perfectly on time… for somebody else’s party.”

“But isn’t this… _yourrrr_ house?”

“Mhm, mhm, yes it _is_ my house, but there are several parties going on at once, and I can’t be everywhere, so the Tweedles are hosting the other one. And also, they planned it, invited everyone, and I don’t know when it’s going to end.”

Hatter carried on, reaching for a cranberry muffin and slathering butter on it, as if this should put all the Cat’s misgivings to rest.

“Hmmm… _several_ parties? Well, there’s a tea party, and another kind of party -- I assume in your new... _hot-tub_ \-- I don’t see any _other_ party going on.”

“The other one’s not your business.” The Cat was taken aback, as he was expecting better manners from someone that he was keeping back-handed company with. “And for the record, you’re not invited to this one, either. It’s just for me,” Hatter told him with his eyes closed, trying to appreciate the aroma of his fresh muffins. It was the least he could do after emotionally baking fifty of them the previous night. “Why don’t you go hang out with everyone else? Maybe the hot-tub will dangle a mouse toy candied in catnip for you.”

Again, they heard splashing, which was already putting the Cat ill at ease. “Mmmmyeah, well, let’s just say, us cats are not exactly fans of… hot bubbly water. It’s much more for a… _tea-bag_! Not me. _ **MyeeeeowwwWww!**_ ”

The Cat was gone before Hatter could make his retort. Suddenly the tea didn’t hold so much interest for him either, so he got up and knocked on the Dormouse’s teapot.

“Hey Dormouse, ya’there?” Nobody answered, but he just kept on tapping. “Sheesh, remember the good ‘ole days when nobody needed some flashy, smashy, glitzy bullshit jacuzzis to keep themselves entertained? Remember when it was just a good old-fashioned tea party?” He frowned. “Dormouse? Hey. If you come out and humor me, I’ll give you a hunk of cheese--”

“Hatter?” He heard from behind him, so he whipped around. It was Hare, with a towel wrapped around his shoulders; a big, ruffly orange flower in his hair; and a glow of bliss about him. Though, now, obviously, he was a bit worried. “Are you talking to somebody out here?”

“I’m talking to the Dormouse, the little jerk… He won’t come out and--”

“The Dormouse is out back.”

“In the hot-tub?! That can’t be safe.”

“Oh, he’s fine!” Hare reassured. He wandered up to the table and nibbled at a madeleine, then decided it didn’t meet his needs and sort of just stuck it back on the plate with his teeth marks in it. “Actually, he has a _great_ back-stroke and can float on his back. We put him on a rubber-ducky, and now he’s riding around, jousting everyone with a paper umbrella. A real Kodak moment, actually - I should go get my camera-- _Hatter_ , are you mad at me?”

Hare was just about to scamper off when he saw how increasingly surly Hatter’s expression was starting to look as he prattled.

“What? I’m not mad. No, sirree, why would I be mad? We _agreed_ you could go to the Tweedles’ parties.”

“We _did_ …” Hare confirmed, with his head tilted and his eyes sort of wandering.

“And _I_ agreed to let them handle the parties so I wouldn’t have to worry about it all the time…”

“This is another fact…” Hatter had been staring at the floor, and finally looked up to Hare, who only blinked.

“Okay, maybe I _am_ a little upset.” Hatter took a deep breath and puffed up his chest as Hare came up to soothe him.

“Do you want to send everybody home? I-I-I for one am spent; I just didn’t want to miss out on the hot-dog cooker. Or the aqua-aerobics class.” Hatter frowned, rightly confused about the physics of all that, but Hare just kept going: “I mean, we’ve been in there enough. _All_ my fingers and toes look like pickles in a pickle jar--”

“No, no, I don’t want to kick them out,” Hatter told him, pinching the bridge of his nose. Hare kept patting him on the arm.

“Aww. You’re so nice to them.”

“I _know_ ,” Hatter agreed, though with much less of a belief that this was good. “And _I--_ I mean, _we_ made them think that this was going to be the best thing ever.”

“Well it kind of _is_ , ghghghghghggh!” Hare’s chortling quickly dissolved when he saw into Hatter’s broody eyes, not so brightly blue today, and seeming to simmer with feelings of betrayal. In fact, this was quickly resembling a love triangle -- however two people would have one with an inanimate object.

“Oh, Hatter. Listen, I’ve been trying to get you alone all week.”

“You have?”

Hare flicked his eyes up into his head as he said: “Yes, you just somehow are _that_ dense, sugar plum.”

Then suddenly Hatter realized: yeah, he _was_ unusually cranky, and surely part of it was because he hadn’t gotten laid in… how many days?... Two, three, four? Six? He counted on his fingers, which Hare had no idea what it was supposed to mean, so he just got straight to the point:

“Sex? Later?”

“YES,” Hatter uttered, followed by the clearing of his throat. “I mean _yes_ ,” he said, at a much more reasonable volume.

“Well then I’d better get home.”

Then Hare whisked himself away, teasing Hatter’s bowtie as he passed. At that moment, the Cheshire Cat reappeared amongst the backdrop of trees beyond Hatter’s fense, just to indicate that he’d eavesdropped. After a quick gagging gesture with his paw, he was gone again.


	8. Let's Crank Up the Heat

It was twilight in Wonderland when Hare arrived at the doors of the hat house punctually, in a trench coat, peering around to make sure no one was looking. Hatter also arrived, punctually, at the other end of his own door.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey.”

Hatter stepped back so Hare could come in. But, first, they had some kind of squinty, swaying, staring match, which he mistook for a mating ritual. It was going on for far too long, though, in his opinion.

“Would you like to come in?” Hare had to snap out of it.

“Oh, of course.” Then, as easy as pie, he entered.

Hatter was pleasantly surprised to find that the demeanor changed as soon as the door slammed, and Hare jumped into his arms so fast he almost fell over. Then he threw his arms around his neck as Hatter scooped him up underneath the knees and carried him to the couch.

Twenty minutes of hot, breathy smooching and giggling and ass-pinching later, Hare propped himself up, with glasses a’tilt, and asked: “Hatter? Do you think we could do it in the hot-tub?!”

“Excuse me?” Hatter clarified, with his cheeks rosy-red and his belly-button out.

“I just really, _really_ want to try doing it in a hot-tub. Come on. Let’s go!”

Hare yanked him up to his feet and laced fingers with him as they stumbled out the back door. Hatter was too fired up to object -- he would have gone _anywhere_ his willy pointed at this rate, so he just happily un-buttoned, un-tied, and un-zipped. Jackets, bowties, and suspenders were all over the patio floor as they helped themselves into the water. Once Hare was sitting squarely in Hatter’s lap, ballsack to ballsack, he remembered something important.

“Wait, Hatter! You’ll _really_ like this…!” He pressed a button on the hot-tub control panel. Out of the jets came pink, glittery bubble bath, and all the lights turned down low and sultry -- the kind of lights definitely made for love-making. The playlist started up, too: Toni Braxton, Michael Bolton...all of the R&B hard-hitters of the time.

The mood had been set. There was nothing left to do except--

"Oh, I'm sure he won't mind, as long as we're quiet," a young female voice could be heard saying, just around the bend.

Hare looked at Hatter with eyes of great mortification and slipped off of his lap as quietly as possible, then nearly slipped on his climb down the wooden steps. Hatter was frantically trying to position himself on the ladder, but there just wasn’t time. As Hare swept up their clothes and dashed for the sliding door, dingaling bobbing all the while, Hatter was left with no other choice but to stand his ground.

Alice and the Tweedles came around the threshold and were surprised to see just the sight of Hatter’s silhouette carved by the moonlight, his tall hat sticking out, and his arms casually spread over the edges of the hot tub. Nothing but crickets accompanied him. A second ago, they had sworn they saw a red glow on the porch, and heard saxophones and synthesizers.  
  


"Uhh, Hatter? Is that you?” Dee asked.

“Uhhh, y-yeah, it’s me, guys. Heyy!” Hatter responded. Everyone just stood there, dangling their pool bags, and in Alice’s case, her book-bag. “Yeah, I was just... taking a little _dip_! Alone."

“Well, why are you doing it with the lights off, silly? Here!” Dum thought he was being really helpful by turning the porch-light on and further illuminating Hatter’s incriminating position. Indeed, his face did look like either the water was too hot or he was sitting on spikes, or...

Tweedle Dee held on to his towel with a sort of awkwardness that suggested he knew the whole story without ever being there. Alice, on the other hand, was as oblivious as ever.

"Do you think we could join you?"

"Uhh, well, well, I don't see why not. But weren’t you all here earlier?”

“We were, yes,” Dee answered, trying to clear his throat and move past how suspicious this already looked. Who knows, maybe he was wrong. “But it’s... our matinee! Yeah, that’s right.”

“Oh, yeah, right, yeahhh, _matinees…_ ” Hatter trailed with a gaping smile devoid of any real joy.

“And I still need to do my homework. I was having so much fun earlier, I totally forgot!” Alice told him. She was the first to pull her sweater off over her head and undo her bejeweled jean shorts. “Come on, Dum! I’ve got a whole new set of problems to work out, and they’re not about gumballs.”

“Oh really?” Dum asked her, just as obliviously undressing and following her up the steps. She dipped her toe in the water.

“Ooo! Yeah, this time they’re about _balloons_.”

“Ohhhh!”

Tweedle Dee was sure taking his time dwindling down to his swim trunks, but eventually he got in, too. Hare could see them as he peered out the side of the kitchen window. Everyone, leaning back and sighing without a care in the world, like potatoes in a… stew pot. Hatter, meanwhile, was rigid as an ironing board. He curled his toes under the water and just prayed that all these bubbles wouldn’t fade away too fast.

“I didn’t know there was a bubble bath setting…” Dee just had to point out.

“Well, it’s in the twenty-third chapter of the manual. Easy to miss,” Hatter explained.

“It's a shame we can't get a hot-tub of our own..." Dee mused, but he opened his eyes and caught Hatter staring at him with a very alert expression. Dee had raised his foot to the other end of the seats and brushed Hatter’s bare hip. In the same moment, Dum had inadvertently turned the Michael Bolton back on. He thought it was hilarious, too:

“Ffff!!! Who was listening to this last?! Probably Hare.”

“Uh, Mr. Hatter…?” Alice turned to him, but he was still locking eyes with Dee, who was having every literal proof of his intuition crashing into his lap right that second and growing increasingly horrified. “What’s that polka-dotted sheet you have on top of the bush over there?”

“Huh?!” He looked. It was definitely not a sheet: it was definitely his boxer shorts that he had whipped with particular vigor over his head in an attempt to plunk buck-naked into this thing as quickly as humanly possible. “AHHH!” Suddenly he stood up as if he might go and retrieve them, then splashed back in his seat when he felt the cool night’s breeze on his bare bottom. Alice covered her eyes. Dee slapped his forehead. Dum was the first to get a start to escaping this unthinkable nightmare.

“You know, I’m actually pretty beat.”

“Uhh, me too. Alice?” Dee asked.

Alice was speechless, but definitely interested in getting _out_ of the water as soon as Dum had climbed down the steps. In fact, she and Dum were out of there so fast, grabbing their items and hopping the fence, you’d think they’d pulled a heist before.

Dee got out and just turned around and looked at Hatter. Very slowly, he shook his head. Then he left too.

 _Welp_. He definitely didn’t have an erection anymore.


	9. Let's Forget All About It

“I’M NOT HOOOOOME!” came from the hat house, just as Hare pushed the doorbell. He suspected as much, as it had been quiet around here all weekend, so he dropped into the head chair of the tea table, leaned back, and checked his watch.

The lid of the teapot that was Dormouse’s house clanked open just then, and a little fuzzy head poked out.

“Oh, thank goodness you’re here!” The lil mouse shouted. Hare looked around.

“Oh… you’re talking about… _me_?” He clarified, followed by a giggle. “Well it’s nice to see you too, Dormouse!”

“Yeah so anyway! Are you finally having a hot-tub party todayyy~?” The Dormouse was all jittery, as if he too had downed some espresso, but Hare was anything but pleased.

“No? I just came to visit Hatter. Though he’s been a real hermit lately… I wonder where he went.” As Hare continued to wonder, and wonder deeply, the Dormouse’s shoulders sagged.

“Oh, well in that case--” He was just about to pop back into his pot when Hare stopped him.

“Wait! Wanna just… chat?”

“Uhh, I would, but I have a lot of… chores to do.”

“You just acted like you wanted to go to a hot-tub party!” The Dormouse was quiet for a second, with his wispy little hairs swaying in the gentle breeze.

“Well……………”

“.............”

“You haven’t had one in days………. I didn’t want to pass it up!”

With his brow knitted and his lips all glossy and pouty, Hare clarified that for him: “Well of course, we haven’t! Nobody wants to come over anymore after Hatter flashed his willy to Alice and the Tweedles, and now he’s too embarrassed to invite them over _anyway_.”

The Dormouse clearly had no idea how to answer to this.

“Oh don’t look at me like that. It’s not like he did it on _purpose_.” Silence. “ _Yes,_ he was naked in the hot-tub. Like you didn’t see that coming.” From all the way across the table, Hare just looked into his tiny mouse friend’s beady little eyes, who was still computing all this information. “I mean even if he _wasn’t_ naked, you know a ton of willys have been in and out of that thing, Dormouse.”

In the distance, birds chirped innocently and butterflies pranced above the wildflowers. “And there have been _worse_ things inside the hot-tub than anyone’s junk. Last week, somebody took an entire poop and left it for us. We _still_ don’t know who it was.” Swiftly and unapologetically, the Dormouse whipped back into his pot and the lid clamped over his head. “Oh come _on!_ There’s a self-cleaning function!”

“Hey! What’s going on out there?!” Hare heard from over his head. He turned around and squinted up at the hat house, shielding his eyes from the sun. Surely enough, Hatter was leaning out his attic window.

“Hatter?! I thought you weren’t home! The doorbell even said so!”

“No, it was me this time.”

Hare threw up his palms and got up to push in his chair. “Well let me inside, you ding-dong!

Hatter didn’t really appreciate being called a ding-dong, but he went downstairs to unlock the door and just let Hare saunter inside as he went to the kitchen and poured himself some hot water from a teapot on the stove. He was also in his bath-robe and fuzzy slippers, and he needed a shave.

“Are you _seriously_ … still _moping_ … about everyone seeing your-- well, _ding-dong?_ ” Hatter was not even going to dignify him with a response, so he just went about pouring hot cocoa mix into his cup and stirring aggressively. “Oh, Hatter! You must be really upset about this: you only ever drink hot-cocoa when you’re deep in emotional turmoil.”

Everyone today was just going to selectively answer him, Hare could see, which was getting even more irritating when he had to follow Hatter out of the room again, this time to the couch, where he sunk back into the cushions and rested his nose on the rim of his steaming cup.

“Oh come on, it’s really not a big deal! You’re very well-endowed, Hatter -- I _know_ you know that… It just wasn’t the right audience.”

“It’s not just about _that_ , Hare, ughhh!” Hatter set down the cup and glared at him. “I feel like my friends were just taking advantage of me! And now that _that’s_ ruined, they want nothing to _do_ with me!”

Hare’s thoughts briefly returned to his prior exchange with the Dormouse, before he decided it was probably all nonsense. “Nonsense!” He said. “We all just got too excited about it! And anyway, things will go back to normal! Especially now that you’ve made it such an x-rated affair.” It was clear from Hatter’s quickly tensing features that if Hare made one more comment emphasizing that he’d flashed his friends, he was going to snap, though Hare was oblivious. “I mean haven’t you noticed how _peaceful_ it is around here?!”

Suddenly, that was when Hatter realized: “it _is!_ ….Maybe you’re _right_.” Hare was relieved. For once, recently, his babbling turned out to be helpful. “Maybe that was the only thing that was going to get me out of this predicament.”

“See? Problem solved--”

At that moment, Hatter’s phone started to ring. Hatter and Hare looked straight into each other’s eyes. “Oh shit, where is it?”

They scurried up to go find Hatter’s boysenberry. It could have been anywhere: outside, inside, in a closet, on the roof, buried underground, in the shower... Try as they may to check all these places, the ringing seemed to be omnipresent, and it was bound to stop at any second. “Quick, we’ve got to find it! I don’t have voicemail!”

“Yeah I know,” Hare muttered, possibly resentful about this.

  
“Wait! I know where it is!”

“Oh yeah?! Where?!”

“Upstairs, by the window! I was emotionally ordering stuff out of a catalogue before I heard you outside talking to yourself.” Just as Hare lifted a finger to explain, Hatter was gone, flying up the stairs in large strides, like a cheetah. He even did a tumble and roll and knocked the stand of the boysenberry down with him. In a heap on the floor beneath the window, he answered the call just in the nick of time.

“HATTER RESIDENCE. ...Yes, this is Hatter. No, how would you think-- Okay well, what do you want?”

By now Hare had made it up the steps casually, and listened in on the conversation. Or at least, Hatter’s end of it. He had gone suspiciously quiet, however.

“Mhmmm? Mmmm… mmMMMm… So you’re not? Oh. Alright. Let’s never talk about it. Well I mean… H-H-How _I feel_? W-Well well--. Oh no, we definitely did. Oh, absolutely, could never deny that. This is _also_ true…”

Hatter tried to ignore it when a shadow fell upon him: the shadow of Hare wondering what the hell was going on. He looked up to him. “Uh, hold on a moment,” he said, shoving the speaking piece into his chest. “It’s the Tweedles.” It was Hare’s turn to just stare. “They want to plan another party, with my blessing.” Hare blinked.

“After what--”

“Yeah, they got over it, apparently.”

“Alice too?!”

Hatter wasn’t sure, so he asked. “Yeah, Alice too.”

Despite everything he had been saying to soothe Hatter, a tiny sparkle of hope appeared in Hare’s eye. “You’ll tell them ‘no’, right?” He pushed himself to say. Hatter squinted at him, very much noticing the sparkle, then got back to the call.

“Heyyyyy, why not?! Yeup. I mean _why_ would I go and buy a thing like this, just to hog it all for myself and my increasingly perplexed partner, who’s looking at me right now like I’ve lost the one marble I had left?” He nodded very emphatically, and made other sounds of agreement. “Okay. Okay. Bye now.”

Even after the phone-call was done, Hatter held the speaker to his ear and the receiver under his mouth, blinking, propped up against the wall. He only had one slipper on, too. “Did I just?”

“Sure sounds like it.”

“...”

“Can I call you a ding-dong now?”

“That is what I am,” Hatter confirmed.


	10. Let's Invite Our Aristocratic Rivals

When a letter arrived in Hare’s mailbox the same day of this conversation, he was reasonably ambivalent. And to make matters worse, the letter was provocative, to say the least. He was already reading it aloud on his way to the kitchen.

> " _To our smart, snazzy, sensational pal, the March Hare,”_ it wrote...
> 
> “ _You are hereby invited to our ‘Welcome Back to the Hot-Tub!’ Hot-Tub Party, a celebration like no other! Join us at the Hot-Tub, 1602 Teapot Terrace, and we will blow your socks off with magic, wonder, light shows, hot-sizzling snacks flying through the air, and other aquatic stunts. Basically, what we’re trying to say is it’s going to be a REAL BASH. Party starts at 3:00pm. Bathing suits are optional._
> 
> _P.S. That last part was unclear. Bathing suits are optional, because you can wear whatever you want and still get in the hot-tub. We don’t discriminate."_

Hare quickly flashed on his Carmen Miranda get-up that hadn’t seen the light of day for many months…

But wait! Was this really _fair_ to the Hatter?! They didn’t even act like it was his own house!

Other writings had been scrawled around a little graphic of tropical birds, which Hare read, first hesitantly, but with growing interest: “Not like the other parties you’ve attended… The best one yet… _Surprise guests?!..._ If you don’t come, you’ll feel like _you missed out..._ _for. the. REST. of. your. LIFE?!”_

Well now he _had_ to go, just to say whether or not the Tweedles were exaggerating.

He stamped the invitation to his fridge with a funky pineapple shaped magnet and skipped off to the secret spot where all of his forbidden costumes were stored.

~ ~ ~

“Hatter, I just want you to know that I’m going to the Tweedles’ party today,” Hare said in all seriousness. “I just want you to _know_ that I’m going, so you’re not surprised,” he repeated, popping a leg as he did so, which was seeping sensuously out of a trail of pink and orange ruffles. “I had to think long and hard about it, and I just don’t want them to be offended,” he explained in all sincerity, to his reflection.

He was standing in front of a full-length mirror in his bedroom, deciding how good he looked and if any extra sprucing needed to happen, as he rehearsed his excuses for it.

“It would be better i-if I… if I at least made an appearance.”

As he was centering his fruit hat, he suddenly heard knocking on his front door. And it could be heard quite easily from the front porch that he was clunking towards it... in wedges that vaguely resembled bananas.

His unexpected guest happened to be… Rabbit?

“Oh, thank goodness you’re still home, I-- I… why, _that_ is… that is… _Well_. You certainly went _all out_ , didn’t you, Mr. He’a~?”

“What?! No I didn’t! This is like, psh, only half as crazy as I could have gotten, Rabbit,” Hare insisted.

It only took Rabbit a couple seconds to realize that he couldn’t doubt that. “Yes… _anyhoo!_ I’m afraid _I-I-I_ myself have nothing to wear, n-n-not that I would go to such extremes as--”

“Here,” Hare said, presenting a bowler hat that just happened to be hanging on the rack by the door. It had palm trees and flamingos poking out of it. And since it was for bunnies, it already had two holes for his ears.

“Yes. Yes, indeed, _that_ will do,” Rabbit told him. As he donned the hat, Hare stepped outside and locked his door, though he was quick to catch Rabbit’s surprise.

“If we’re both going the same way, may as well go together!”

Made sense. Rabbit cleared his throat and tried not to look too much at Hare’s get-up, nor to let it seem as if, god forbid, he were _escorting_ him or something. “If you don’t mind me asking, was… _Hatter_ planning to turn up for this one?” The subject clearly pained Hare, but he knew it was a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. “I-It’s just, if I recall, the invitation stated that swimsuits~ were optional~~? And, well, I found it to be so terribly phrased -- nigh, _misleading~_...”

“No, I think the post-script cleared that up, Rabbit,” Hare said, trying not to let this old bunny’s habit of over-analyzing distract him from the fact that he was _smokin’_ right now (in his opinion.)

“Well, it’s just, the Hatter is so found of his suits, and, and I wouldn’t put it past him, perhaps, to consider his _birthday suit_ a type of costume--”

“He’s _not_ coming to the party in his birthday suit! Nor _would_ he… and he’s not coming at _all_ , actually!”

“Now, see, _that_ is also with _very_ bizarre phrasing. I think the lot of us should rrrreally go and see the Caterpillar~, have our memories refreshed. Grammatically, that is.”

“Rabbit, can you _please_ \--” and Hare stopped him in his tracks, even put his hand on his wrist for his full attention, “ _stop?_ He’s not coming to the party. He has other things to do today, and--”

Speaking of the devil himself, they had stopped somewhere close enough to his gate that Hatter could see them from where he was. Hare, also, could see _him_ and knew right away that they were in a compromising position. Hatter had definitely stopped everything he was doing and scrunched his face up at the sight of his partner looking like an exotic cabaret girl that Rabbit had hired to be on his arm. Hare let go of Rabbit’s wrist and tried to strut toward Hatter in a way that didn’t emphasize just how _ready_ for the cat-walk he may have been.

“Hatter! I-I…”

“You’re going to the party… aren’t you?” Hatter wasted no time confirming. Hare knew he had been preparing some statements that would soften the blow, but not a one was finding its way to the forefront before a damn-near stampede of their friends sped by for the back gate: Alice, the Walrus, Pinniped (probably), the Tweedles themselves, and… Caterpillar? Nobody had ever seen him move so fast, or much at all, but there he went. And he was supremely heavy, you can imagine -- probably half of why it seemed like a stampede.

Hatter was horrified at the prospect of him canon-balling into the hot-tub, but surely he wouldn’t… he would crush everybody else. Hatter went to check on the Dormouse, only to find that _he_ must have been back there as well!

“Hatter, a-are you alright?” Hare asked, as Rabbit trailed closer to him in his palm-tree flamingo hat.

“OHH, _right_ as _rain_ ,” he answered. “Now I’m trying to fold my dish-towels, here. Can you _vamoose?!_ ” Rabbit, especially, was incredulous to the idea that he would prefer to fold dish-towels on such a day, but didn’t do more than cock his brow and turn for the gate. “Yes, you too, Hare.”

“So you’re not--”

“Mad?! Well come _on_ , Hare, you know I’m _always_ mad!”

“You _know_ that’s not--”

“Go to the party. Really. I’m _glad_ you’re going: somebody needs to keep an eye on the Dormouse.”

“Well I, I-I-I did bring my camera this time…”

Hatter had completely turned his back on Hare by now, so he didn’t see the point in bothering him any further. But he did curl his hand around his waist for just a second and plant a kiss on his cheek. The scent of his Fruity-Tooty lip-balm lingered there until he swiped it off in a huff.

~ ~ ~

Light shows? Of course, there were. Like nothing they had ever seen! This was a talent of Dee’s that he didn’t even know he possessed until he was in front of the hot-tub control panel. Reds, blues, swirls, lightning! Journeys around the solar system, and beyond! Everyone got their nails painted after the planets.

Hot-sizzling snacks flying through the air? Yes, there was an abundance of those! And not just breakfast items! The Tweedles packed tacos, stacked shish kebabs, and jumbled up stir-fries too.

Aquatic stunts? Yes, there were those. Tweedle Dum was holding his breath doing a handstand in the water, while Tweedle Dee spun in circles on his brother’s heels, like a propeller. It was a miracle nobody drowned - they were _really_ pushing the envelope.

Magic? There was also that… sort of. Rabbit had brought playing cards and was trying to get everyone to humor him, which was hit and miss.

But wonder? There was more of that than anything else: the Queen made a fashionably late appearance, with-- the Duchess? Now how had _that_ come to be?!

“Wait a minute, we can bring our friends? Er, aristocratic rivals?” Dee corrected himself.

“If you _have_ any, I suppose,” the Duchess said with a smirk, not bothering to even open her eyes as she struck her, no pun, twinkle-toes up out of the water so they could be painted a lustrous shade of Pluto purple. Dee began raking his mind for any sort of aristocratic connection he may have had, knowing full well there was no one, before the Duchess changed the subject. “Good Lord, this is a dull party.” He snapped out of it.

“What?!”

So did everybody else. “You’re talking about... _this_ party?” Alice asked her, with eyes wide, some kind of tiki tiara on her head, and a virgin margarita in her hand, pinky out. She felt like a real adult today.

“ _Yeeees_ , I mean there are 13-year-olds present -- that should explain it all.”

Dum was, like, super offended as he caught his breath at the other side of the hot-tub, having spent so much of the party underwater or in mid-air. “Hey now! It’s a _cool_ party if Alice comes! She could have been anywhere, right now!”

The look on Alice’s face clearly said that this was true.

“HEY,” the Queen intervened. “Doesn’t the fact that _I_ came prove anything?! And _you’re_ here as well! You’ve no room to talk!”

“Oh, I was never here to party, or _anything_. I just came to,” the Duchess started, sighing. “How to say it? ... _Observe_ you?” The Queen dunked her fists into the water and made a splash, which barely made the Duchess even flinch. There was nothing but a speck of water on the tip of her nose, which she flicked off ever so casually.  
  


“YOU HAVE SOME NERVE! Here I thought you wanted to spend quality time with me!!!” The Queen wailed, pouting, with her arms crossed as the bubbles circled her. Suddenly, the karaoke music turned straight up, and the group was forced to turn to Hare, who had been trying to shake maracas out on the deck. He was the group’s entertainment, I guess, though nobody had really been paying attention besides the Caterpillar… who was super into it for some reason?

“Sorry, Hare,” Dum muttered. Hare gave him a nod as if to say “I forgive you,” then turned the music back down to an appropriate volume.

“Well _what_ do you think a good party would look like, Your Grace?” The Dee asked her, noticeably skeptical.

“Yessss~! As my Mumsy always said: ‘if you’re going to make a complaint, make a suggestion!” As soon as Rabbit said it, he more or less regretted it, as the Duchess definitely saw it as some sort of slight from a servant. “Which is why I never make complaints… I’ve no idea what ‘fun’ looks like…” He averted his eyes and sunk back down to slurp the rest of his drink through the straw.

“Well, for starters--” The Duchess began, before she realized she owed nothing to these people and wouldn’t be returning. But if the Queen was, it would surely light up her face to read in the papers that she’d been involved with something scandalous. “Everyone would be wasted, by now.”

Evidently, the Dormouse did not count, even as he was sprawled out across a charcuterie tray, in a blissful cheese coma.

“There’d be fifty more of us churning through the hot-tub, the gardens, the buffets…” Everyone looked around: there were no buffets? “...For limbos, mambos, temptations, fornications…” Rabbit coughed as Alice kept sipping her drink. “There’d be jugglers, fire-eaters, and contortionists. A whole circus of obscene activities. Why, if you aren’t arrested by the morning, what was _even_ the point of it?” The Duchess wondered. The Walrus finally spoke up, too shocked not to clarify:

“You’ve been arrested before, your Grace?”

“No, but all of my butlers were. Quite amusing, it was, when I went to pay the bail, and found that someone had dropped a thimble into the jail cell, and forced them all to fight for it. Hmph hmph!”

Alice wasn’t swayed by any of the Duchess’ suggestions, nor her fluttery, self-assured laughter. She set down her drink and turned to her in all seriousness. “Your Grace, I don’t mean anything by it, but I’ve heard of these types of parties before. The high schoolers throw them sometimes. Well maybe not with contortionists and fire-eaters, but… Well anyway, the truth is, it’s not anywhere _near_ as fun as some good quality time with a few close friends. It’s just what people do when they… well, when they succumb to ‘ _peer pressure’_! And that’s never been a problem at all around here. Right guys?”

Nobody even missed a beat, agreeing with her, which successfully made the Duchess feel that no further input for these simpletons was welcome. “Well, to each their own,” she said, turning to excuse herself. “UHH, Montgomery! My towel please!” She shouted at the butler who’d come with her, now entranced by Hare’s intimate performance. He snapped himself out of it.

So, too, did everyone else snap themselves out of a feeling they were having that this was not all for which the hot-tub was destined…


	11. Let's Do Something Else Tonight

Not a week later, Hare was not in the mood to attend the hot-tub parties anymore. He had barely heard what the Duchess had said, but he did notice his friends becoming a rowdier bunch than they were before. The group was expanding, too, as the Tweedles’ press friends attended (taking pictures, writing articles to brag about it even). Pinniped turned out to have quite a wide social circle, himself. Somebody, we’re not sure who, knew of a service that brought “girls” to the scene, and quickly after that, the _real_ girl who had been attending the parties, Alice, was uninvited.

On top of everything else, there was no room for pleasant lounge-singing anymore. Dormouse decided to become the DJ of the control panel, and he was more interested in flashes and booms, which couldn’t have been good for his ears, but he wouldn’t listen to Hare about that.

So by the next weekend, around the time that they were surely meeting for another mindless rave, Hare was tending to his garden in peace, with warm sunlight on his back, and a cute little jingle stuck in his head. He cupped some golden pansies gently in his palm to move them out of the way so he could turn the spout of his watering can towards their roots as he sang.

> “ _If you can’t eat butter, cuz you’re gonna get fat,  
>  Just have some Cream-o, it’s as easy as that,  
> No, it doesn’t taste as good, but you probably won’t get fat,  
> Cuz Cream-o’s quite the deal-i-o, it’s tit for tat~!  
> _

Then he turned to the fourth wall and asked in all seriousness: “When was the last time _you_ were truly _happy_?”

“OH HEY, HARE, WHAT’S UP, BUDDY?!”

Before he knew it, Hatter was charging for him with intention, and planted a big, fat, slobbery kiss on his forehead. Turned him around and dipped him, too. Hare sort of enjoyed it but was mostly confused - then it occurred to him: “Hatter, are you over here because they’re all in the hot-tub, and you don’t want to have to listen to it?”

“Of course I am, old buddy, old pal. Say, what are you doing? You need some help?” Hatter was already taking off his tail-coat and rolling up his sleeves.

“I-I mean, I-- Sure. I’ve got some really nasty weeds poking their heads up, way down yonder… You see them?”

Hatter glanced all around him until he found the offending plants. And they were indeed offensive: a whole cluster of two-foot-tall dandelion puffs. He got straight to work trying to expel them from ground: jerking, grunting, panting, and other words that could be used to describe vastly different types of activity. Including sex.

Hare tried to get back to his song.

“If you can’t eat butter, cuz you’re gonna get fat~...”

“ _GHGHHHHGGGG!!!”_

“Just have some Cream-o… It’s as easy… as…”

“ _GGHHHHH! AGGGHH!”_

‘Way down yonder’, Hatter was squating over the roots of these brutes, jangling them all around and exploding puff-balls in his face. Now they were dancing all around him as he yanked and heaved, trembled and rocked… rolled and perspired... all flushed and flustered, if I do say so.

Hare was concerned. “Hatter?”

“Yes, dear? _Urghghghh_ …” Hatter was unaware as Hare approached him.

“You know, if you can’t _pull_ them out, you… could always get the shovel?” Hatter stopped abruptly and looked at him.

“Oh, good idea!”

“But maybe having a shovel in your hands isn’t the best idea.”

“No, I would very much like a shovel in my hands,” Hatter told him as he went for the shed. Hare was all nerves as he followed him. “Or a rake, or a hoe, some nice big branch clippers… a chainsaw--”

“On second thought!” Hare cut over him, taking him by the shoulders and turning him 180 degrees, back out the shed door. “Why don’t you just water my pansies for me? It’s incredibly relaxing, and… uh, probably more what you need…”

“Okay, okay… yeah you’re probably right.”

They were standing next to the flower bed again, where Hatter crouched down and struck both his hands out, like he was about to strangle the flowers. “ _On_ _ **third**_ _thought!”_ Hatter’s hands froze where they were above Hare’s delicate blue pansies, and he looked up to him, with a hasty sort of smile. “Why don’t we just go to the kitchen and get you a nice, non-caffeinated beverage?”

“But all the best kinds have caffeine in ‘em, Hare!”

Hare just shook his head, and into the house they went.

Ten minutes later, they were sitting at Hare’s little dining table, with two mugs of calming, cozy chamomile. At least, that’s what Hare thought it was. His mug had a rooster on it, with his wings on his hips, saying “Don’t make me do it again. Cuz I will.” Hatter’s was polka-dots. Yep, just polka-dots. That’s cute enough. But he didn’t notice how cute it was because he was sipping absentmindedly, tapping his foot a hundred beats a second underneath the table.

“No party for _you_ today?” He wondered.

Hare leaned back in his seat, with his legs crossed as he answered: “No. I haven’t been going since Wednesday. No appeal to me, anymore.”

“I meant my _tea_ parties,” Hatter corrected, suddenly making things awkward. “I know you haven’t been going to their-- well, _whatever_ you call them! _**Orgies!**_ ”

Hare momentarily choked on his tea. “Strong word.”

“Warranted!” Hatter clapped back at him. “So where _have_ you been, anyway?” He knew it was going to be juicy when Hare turned his cheek dramatically, and drummed his fingers in suspense.

“I got a gig downtown, I… wasn’t sure if I should tell anyone…”

“A gig?!”

“Yeah, her… Grace’s butler knew of a place where, uh, _my_ brand of entertainment was welcome,” Hare told him, eyes a’shift. For all of his coyness, he was still hoping Hatter would be happy for him, but he was too busy feeling sorry for himself. “Hatter, are you starting to regret your decision? About letting the Tweedles--”

“Look, _yes,_ _ **I am**_ _,_ but I can’t go back on my word!”

“Why not?!”

“They’ll think I’m jealous! I mean have you _seen_ the amount of publicity they’re getting?! If I pull the plug now, not only will they _resent_ me, but it’ll just look like I was too much of a square. Like some limp-dick holed up in the Hat House, jamming my fingers in my ears going ‘LA-LA-LA’--”

“But isn’t that exactly what you are?” It was Hatter’s turn to choke on his tea. “Sorry, I don’t mean a limp-dick, but everything else, more or less--!”

“But they don’t know that! They think I’m happy for them!” Hare rolled his eyes. “And on top of it all, they’re paying me.”

“What?!”

“Mhm, mhm.” Hatter’s humorless chuckle was as high-key as all of his twitching and foot-tapping by now. “There’s a fee now to get in, and some of that ends up straight in my pocket. I could _use_ the money, Hare! We spent all that and more! You know, I’m starting to get the feeling that _we_ are not the best businessmen...”

“Well gosh, I guess you really _are_ in a jam.” Hare had thought up until now that Hatter was just bringing it all on himself, but they _had_ sort of sent his finances down the shitter, with no cohesive plan to make a profit back, and it was Hare’s idea to begin with. “Well I guess if your mental health can spare the change… no pun…” He hesitated to say, “seeing how much you can earn back might be good in the… long run…...… Hatter? Are you…?”

Hatter was now face-planted in his crossed arms. It almost looked like he was--

“Sleeping?!” The loud sound woke him back up.

“WHAT? NO I WASN’T.”

Hare looked down to his cup of chamomile. _Sheesh_ , he hadn’t realized how potent it was.

He got up and tried to ease Hatter out of the chair. “Come on, Hatter. Let’s get you set up on the couch and you can take a little nap. I don’t mind! I won’t be hitting the club for a little while.”

“I’m not sleeping… _No…_ I’m _not_ … _You’re_ sleeping…” He moaned, as Hare propped him up with his arm around his shoulder and led him out of the room.

~ ~ ~

When Hare was back from “the club” hours later, he found that Hatter was deep in some REM action, melted into the cushions beneath a quilt that June had made, smiling and talking to himself even. Something about pears. A field of pears…

Hare dragged his finger along the smooth skin of Hatter’s temple and smiled at this man -- he, who was his favorite of all ding-dongs -- and then went to clean up, wash the rouge off his cheeks, and sink into the afterglow of his performance. The hushed but pleasant chatter, the softly clinking wine glasses in the crowd, all intimately packed in the shade beyond the spotlight… oh, what a scene it was. If he played his cards right, maybe he’d even get a patron or two.

After a series of sighs, he went to wake Hatter up, and suggested he go home.

“Noooooo!”

“ _Yes,_ Hatter! I’m sure the party’s wrapping up by now!”

Probably, but he still whined all the way to his doorstep. Actually, Hatter’s end of the woods seemed awfully quiet by the time they reached it. They checked out the back windows. Everyone was gone!

“See? What did I tell you?”

With a flush out his nose, Hatter realized that he _was_ quite comforted, and that to continue being distraught was probably not good for him. Hare gave him a good pat on the shoulder and turned around before Hatter’s hand reached for his arm.

“Stay here,” he asked. “Please?” The affectionate, if not vaguely desperate, twinkle in Hatter’s soft gaze brought Hare close. “We could… do something together.”

“ _Well what did you have in mind?”_

Not twenty minutes later, they were back to back in the attic, each holding a comic book up to their nose, totally engrossed in their respective stories.


	12. Let's Star Hunt!

The pair were both lying in Hatter’s bed hours later, when they decided _they had had enough_. They awoke to ever-escalating techno music, to hooting and hollering, to every color of the rainbow blasting through Hatter’s blinds.

“ _Whaaaat_ is going _onnnn_ out there?!” Hatter drawled.

“It must be another matinee!”

“OHHH, _fuck_ with the _**matineeessssSSss**_!”

Hare fumbled for his glasses on the night-stand, then got to his knees to look out the window. To both their chagrin, he found most of Wonderland's residents having a drunken hot-tub frenzy. “Hatter, you've gotta see this!” As Hare gawked and gasped, Hatter remained on his back, pinching the bridge of his nose. He knew he’d _have_ to look, so he garnered up the courage to throw his covers off and join Hare in the window.

In his yard were a number of things he could do without seeing ever again. Every time the strobe lights flashed, he caught glimpses of shattered wine bottles, popped balloons, and indecent levels of foam. The Tweedles were entertaining a group of strangers with bizarre dances. The Walrus was playing the bongs and singing show-tunes to the Caterpillar, out of key. And Her Majesty, surely after massive alcohol consumption, fancied herself as a Girl Gone Wild and was waving her swim top in the air like a flag. The only person who looked half sober was Rabbit, who averted his eyes and muttered “oh dear, oh dear, oh dear”... but a moment later he downed his tiki bar martini in one gulp.

How any of this had gotten to this point while they were still deep in slumber, neither of them had a clue, but Hatter knew what he had to do. He opened the window and stuck his head out: “HEY! **HEYYY!!!** ” He could shout all he wanted, but nobody seemed to hear him, as though they were looking in on a surreal world, separate from their own. For a second, he thought the Queen might have seen him, but it may have been that she was just shaking her boobs in the general direction of the house. “AWWGh, for GOD's sake!” Hatter jumped off the bed and went scavenging for his pants.

“Hatter, wait. Maybe you shouldn't go out there. For all we know, they'll tie you up for a sacrifice!”

“Oh, please! They're just drunk!”

The both of them hurried downstairs. Admittedly, Hare was a bit anxious about what Hatter might do, but his anger was justified, and he’d _have_ to be the one to do something about it. As he crammed his feet into a pair of loafers, he warned Hare to stay away from the sliding door, who realized as the cool night's breeze hit his skin that he was in nothing but tighty-whities. He hid accordingly, and merely peeped his face out of the crack.

Hatter stood with his chest puffed in the direction of the frenzy.

“Alright, everybody! This is _my_ house and this party has gone on _long_ enough!” Hatter shouted, but everyone just continued with their lop-sided, half-naked business. “I SAID THIS PARTY IS OVER,” he repeated, with no improvement. He squished up his lips and unplugged the hot-tub, but even the cessation of bubbles, music, and lights didn't make a difference. He was forced to barrel out into the action and bellow at the top of his lungs! “ALL OF YOU! OUT! YOU HEAR ME? OUT!!!”

“Shut up, Hatter,” the Queen said quite casually. While he stood before her Majesty in absolute shock, trying not to stare, the Walrus easily persuaded everyone to form a conga line. Hatter could only watch as they snaked around him.

Hare was still hiding in the doorway, nibbling at his knuckles. “Hatter, come back inside!” He begged.

So Hatter returned to the house, but he had not yet accepted defeat. He paced in the living room with Hare for the next ten minutes while the Wonderlandians outside started a rowdy game of limbo. “Maybe we should just call the police,” Hare suggested, after Hatter lamented that he didn't have sprinklers he could run. He looked up with his brow crinkled.

“And what?! Have the Queen arrested?!”

“Well... well... No~~... We could have everybody else arrested and then she wouldn't have any company.”

“I don't want to send our friends to _jaillll..._ ” he moped. “I just want them to leave!”

“Wellll, they shouldn't have been allowed free access to the hot-tub anyway!” Hare slipped, and Hatter's pacing stopped once again, just so he could frown. “Hatter… we– _you_ need your privacy _and_ normalcy back! They _have_ to understand that: that it has nothing to do with you being a… a ‘limp-dick’!” Hatter shook his head and came back to the sliding door, to have a look again, and to be sure that what he was about to say was not too pessimistic a conclusion:

“No, it’s too late for them to see reason.” Hare gasped. “You know they're too obsessed with it!” Yes! This had all gotten out of control! They’d have to give up on this life! Get out of town. Say goodbye to all they knew, knowing full well it had left them emotionally… long, long ago. Their friends were only shells of themselves, animals. Hare looked all ready to dart up the stairs and find Hatter’s bowling shoes!

...But all Hatter did was squint at the visions beyond the glass with a growing idea, a simpler solution in his eyes: “We have to ship it off onto somebody else.”

“You mean... get rid of the hot-tub?” Hare queried with a low voice, as though they were discussing something far graver.

“No. We'll buy another one. We'll give it to the Tweedles.” Hare looked up.

“But Hatter, we spent all your fortunes on that thing! It's the most Super Duper Hot-Tub that ever existed!”

“It’s true. We don’t have the money… yet. But I know what we have to do.”

“Alright, alright! I’ll find some patrons! But they can’t know I’ve taken a lover! I’ll have to do things I said I never would! For _our_ sake!” Hare could almost cry, he was being so selfless!

Hatter, meanwhile, didn’t know what the _fuck_ he was talking about. “Hare, I’m scared to ask, but-- NO, we _just_ have to get another _**star**_!” Indeed, the idea crashed down upon Hare as swiftly as a star had once crashed into Hatter’s lap. And Hatter… he stepped in front of him with a strength in his stare that seemed to suggest he thought this was possible again.

Hare's lips twitched with unformed questions. His eyes dashed between the chaos he could spy from over Hatter's shoulder and the dare in his gaze. _Yes_ , it seemed stars were as attracted to him as _Hare_ was, and Hatter knew it as much! Nothing else mattered, all of a sudden. In fact, Hare seemed rather excited to do this thing over with the involvement he felt he deserved from the beginning!

“You're right!”

“Well, we're obviously not going to get any sleep tonight! And anyway, I got enough rest earlier!” Hatter reassured him.

“I’m exhausted!” Hare said in contrast. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter! Let’s do it!”

“You sure?!”

“ _Let's get some nets and get out of here!”_ Hare shrieked, in practically a battle call.

~ ~ ~

So Hatter and Hare got ready to star-hunt. They put on helmets, belts, and even extra socks. Hatter was convinced that a particular pair of underwear he had been wearing both times the stars fell from the sky had attracted them, so he also put those on. He felt really good about this decision. Meanwhile, Hare was downstairs stuffing his fanny pack with snacks, because the both of them wondered if they might get hungry while they were out there.

“I've got all the carrots and celery,” Hare yelled up the fireman's pole up to Hatter's bedroom. Hatter zipped his pants back up and frowned as he yelled back through the hole:

“Ew, put some of that back and replace it with cookies.”

“No, that's not healthy. We'll compromise and I'll put in granola bars,” Hare said before scouring the cabinets. Hatter rolled his eyes. He wanted cookies but could admit that there were more important things going on at the moment.

So they went clanking out into the fields beyond Hatter's house, fields upon which they had watched many sunsets together. “Hatter, I don't see any stars!”

“SHHHHHHHHHhhhh, they're not gonna come out if you're shouting so loud.”

“Huhhh?” Hatter didn't answer his partner and just went along with spreading a blanket out on the grass. He dropped his net and bag, sprawled out on the blanket, then got back up and moved it.

“There was a rock under there,” he explained, and then he laid down once again. Hare just stared. “Well, all we have to do now is wait. Come sit down. ...Wanna make out?” Hare shrugged and fell into Hatter's arms, and they went straight to lip smacking and ass groping before they realized something.

“Wait a minute, Hatter. How are we supposed to notice when a shooting star comes along?” Hare fidgeted with his hands above Hatter's chest before Hatter just shuffled him off to the side.

“Well, I guess we could play 'Would You Rather'.”

And so they played “Would You Rather” for the next hour until all the questions were about as sensical as you could imagine given that Hare was sleep-deprived. “Okay Hatter… what if… I mean, like, would you rather take a dump… in zero-g or underwa--”

“HARE, LOOK!!! THERE'S A STAR!!!” In all the time that it was taking Hare to compute that their lot had suddenly changed, Hatter sprung to his feet, knowing that if he didn't get up and make himself known to his new friend in the next five seconds, it might carry on its way and be lost forever!

He waved his arms around like he was signaling a plane. Then he was practically doing cartwheels all over the place, trying to get this star's attention. This was, at least, what he thought he needed to do. Hare was in awe: I mean, theoretically he had known that this was possible, but mystery still shrouded the reason why Hatter would have some special relationship with stars, bending the rules of astro-physics....!

Yes! It looked as though the star was descending! But it plummeted at an angle and clearly wasn't going to land anywhere nearby. “Come on, Hare! We've got to chase it! Or it may never trust me again!” They stumbled over each other trying to get their nets and went sprinting across the fields, the wind whipping loudly in their ears (Hare's, even moreso, since they were flopping around outside his head.) But that's when the shit hit the fan. First, the two of them were dashing side by side at the ever-descending star. Then Hatter raised his net, threw himself off balance, and started rolling down an incline. He picked up so much speed that he went flying straight off a bank and crashed into the rocky stream below it.

All Hare heard from the other side of that cliff was a thwack and some “OH GOD!”s... followed by girlish whimpering. He wasted no time climbing down to aid his poor hatter, who cradled his knee with his mouth wide open.

“Oh, my poor baby!”

Hatter was injured enough to need help, so Hare flung his arm around his shoulder and guided him the way they had come. “I'M GONNA DIE,” Hatter claimed, but when they got back to the house and inspected his wounds, it looked more like he'd sprained an ankle and bruised up his leg.

“I'll get you some ice!”

It was suspiciously quiet outside by now. Hare checked the windows facing the back yard and saw that all that remained of the Drunken Girls Gone Wild Foam Congo Party were empty glasses and abandoned garments of clothing. He rolled his eyes. He'd deal with it later! His poor baby was hurt, and that was _all_ that mattered!


	13. Let's Push Our Luck

Hatter moaned and groaned through the night, and because Hare had to keep getting up to fluff his pillow, bring him Advil, or blot the tears from his face, he hardly got any sleep.

The next day, when they went to see the doctor, he trudged and wafted through the halls of the medical office as obliviously as Rabbit had that time he was on TV with the Queen. He listened to the doctor's orders with his eyes closed, and although he swore he'd gotten all the details, the doctor didn't much trust him, so he scribbled it down on some note paper and stuffed it in Hare's front pocket.

Hatter was very wary of stepping back into the car with him, but they somehow made it home without getting into an accident. Hare set Hatter up in his bed, with his foot elevated and a bell on the table. He rang it, obviously, but Hare failed to arrive, as he had plummeted deep into the couch cushions into something of an unwilling coma.

~ ~ ~

It wasn't until late afternoon when the sun blasted most vibrantly through the back door that Hare was awoken by what was now passionate pounding on the front door. He practically seizured out of a deep sleep, as if an alarm clock had gone off in his ears, then placed his hand over his heart as the knocking persisted. As he was coming to, he also realized his fly was down and had probably been so all morning long while they were at the doctor’s office. Why had no one told him?!

He gave it a good tug before swaying side to side for the front door, though before he opened it his face contorted into a profound yawn that lasted a good ten seconds. Just as his guests rapped their knuckles again, he swung open the door and almost got punched in the face. Tweedle Dum yanked back his hand, and everyone at the doorstep (himself, Dee, and Rabbit) recoiled in surprise. “Oh God, I'm sorry, are you okayyy?” He wondered with vague pity. Hare was too busy pinching the bridge of his nose to answer.

“Oh my word, He’a~, you look awful,” Rabbit noticed, though once Hare got a good look he thought everyone looked just as exhausted and grumpy as him.

“What do you want?” He asked.

“Welllll, it's just... we figure~, because of the immense hangovers we have right now, that the party may have gotten a _little_ out of hand,” Rabbit remarked, squishing his thumb and index finger together and smiling sheepishly. “We just wanted to apologize to you~ for making such a mess. We don't know what came over us.”

“Y-Ye-yeah, what he said,” Dum chimed. Hare glanced at Dee to see if he might want to offer a similar sentiment, but he was still rubbing his temples and squinting from the sunlight.

“We feel it's only right that we clean up after ourselves to show how truly, truly sorreh~ we are...” Rabbit continued. Hare's expression faintly softened.

“Well, that's very nice of you. I’ll...leave some brooms on the back porch? I don't have any time for it anyway: Hatter sprained his ankle last night and he’s in so much pain ,” he trailed, though after he glanced behind him, wondering how he must have been doing upstairs alone, he noticed that the three of them were carefully concealing their pool bags. Rabbit cleared his throat:

“Well, igh... We were hoping we could work on it later, once we're a little more rested.”

“Okay then,” Hare answered, already suspicious and slowly closing the door on them, but Dum held it open.

“W-we're really sore,” he explained, and everyone grunted at the same time with their hands on their problem areas. “We were just wondering if we could have a quick dip t-to ease the tension.”

“I-I-I for one can't even bend over,” Rabbit mentioned. “I'd be useless, helping out, if I didn't soak my back. Why, it was the Queen's very order, as I could hardly do my chores today.” Despite how adamantly they fished for Hare's pity, he had scrunched up his chin into his neck so much he looked like someone was trembling their fist inside a hand puppet.

“Are you kidding me? I just told you that Hatter sprained his ankle, trying to catch a star so he could buy _you_ another hot-tub with the proceeds,” he grated while each of their tired smiles wiped off their faces. “And all you can think about is taking advantage of him not even a day after the fact?! You guys have a _problem!_ ”

“ _Ughh_ , can you please stop shouting?” Dee finally piped up, but Hare took his deepest breath and leaned in towards his guests. He even jabbed his finger at them.

“As of today, the hot-tub is OFF limits, and none of you is allowed over here. Not for the hot-tub, not for tea... not for _**anything!**_ ”

“But, but Hare--” Dum started, just as a groan issued from upstairs.

“Hareee? What's going on down there?” Hatter's voice drawled. Hare bared his teeth into a humorless smile and shouted over his shoulder:

“ _Nothing_ , my dear! I'll be right up!” Then his neck snapped back to the three of them. “Get the hell out of here!” And so, the door slammed in their faces.

~ ~ ~

Hatter sort of liked Hare’s social warrior side… it was sexy. He felt protected, and quite thirsty for all of his fawning. Yes, it felt good having a bell in his hand again. And for once, all of his laundry got done. Hare had been frolicking around the house in a frilly apron, “taking care of things”.

Inevitably, the Queen called to challenge him once Rabbit returned to the palace with such offensive news about how he had been shooed off without a proper soak, but when Hare started listing all the things that had gone on in the hot-tub between Hatter and him when the others weren't there, she hung up on him.

He didn’t tell Hatter he had done this. He was peaced out on narcotics and just had this cute idea that she’d be over it once she knew how much he was suffering. “The Queen loves us dearly, Hare,” he drawled as he looked down to a nice, steamy bowl of chicken noodle soup.

Well, whatever the reason was, their friends _did_ keep their distance for the next few days, and it _did_ seem as if something had kicked them to get over their obsession with the hot-tub.

Then Hare realized… it was _antipathy_ , not sympathy, that fueled their actions. Several times during his stay at Hatter’s, he'd gone to take out the trash or grab the paper, only to find that Wonderland’s residents passed by the gate glaring, or otherwise completely ignoring him. The one time that Dum even appeared to be saying hello, he was only there for the Dormouse.

The Tweedles, themselves, weren’t even speaking to each other. One or the other was using up all the hot water, leaving his brother in the cold. Neither one of them was going to paint the other’s toenails, and they had to refund all of their guests’ admission fees for the rest of the week’s cancelled parties, leaving them in the red. It was getting spendy, _and_ out of hand, having to pay Hatter _and_ buy all those cheeses.

The Queen conducted half her business in the largest bathtub in the palace, now, though she was still unhappy about it and complaining to anyone who'd listen, most of all because Rabbit wouldn't stop begging her to let him in too. “As if I feel sorry for him! Why, I'd have the finances for my _OWN_ hot-tub, just the same as Hatter's, if he hadn't _run up my carrot bill_!” She screeched to Alice, the next time they were having tea.

“She was awfully mean to him, too! Poor, poor Rabbit…” She trailed. Hatter and Hare hadn’t seen Alice for a couple of days, and figured she was mad too, before she took a seat without asking at the tea table, as if nothing had ever happened, and soon began to vent about the subject.

By then, Hatter was getting some fresh air for the first time since he was bed-ridden, with his leg propped up at the tea table. “So you’re not mad at us?!” Hare asked her, standing beside him with a hand on his shoulder.

“Oh, no, I just had a lot of exams.” She nodded very surely.

“Well thank goodness for that, Alice,” Hatter said. “You're too young to have an addiction.”

“And _please..._ have as much as you like,” Hare told her, gesturing to the fresh scones he’d brought back from the bakery. “We're just happy someone wants to hang out with us.”

The three of them enjoyed a nice round, steeping in self-righteousness, before Alice agreed to go and help Hare cover the hot-tub with the tarp, as more or less a symbol that they were done with it for good. But while they looked for a return policy in one of its many cabinets, Alice came across a warning label just below the button that activated the shoe-shiner:

> “ **If your Magicuzzi™ malfunctions or shuts down, and you have found life to be dysfunctional and utterly unbearable without its countless indulgences, call this number and we'll talk you through it. Don't do anything rash, now. Call us. Really. We deal with this kind of thing all the time.”**

Alice and Hare looked at each other deeply in the eyes. “I didn't know this could be such an _issue_ ,” Hare realized. They carried themselves back to the front where Hatter was scribbling out hat designs with crayons. He figured he may as well be creative while he was cooped up. Hare stumbled before him with a look of worry that his partner hardly noticed. “Hatter, do you remember that spiel the salesman gave you while you were paying for the hot-tub?”

“What, you don't remember it?”

“No, I was getting us cotton candy at the kiosk. But I saw him talking to you.”

“Oh yeah, he was telling me it was dangerous. I thought he was just spewing _cockypop_ ,” he answered to his sketchbook with an intense look of concentration. “I figured he couldn't have been that serious – he hardly even argued with me about it.”

“That's because he wanted to make the sale. Duh,” Alice snarked.

“Oh gosh, what have we done?” While Hare and Alice wondered about the state of their friends' mental health, Hatter just sighed.

“Look, I'm getting really into this, can you please go somewhere else?” Hare and Alice were surprised for a second that Hatter gave such few shits about the subject, then decided they had better go and handle this somehow.


	14. Let's Bring In a Voice of Reason

Later that evening, the Caterpillar was packing up for the day. Yes, it was time to retreat to what and where he called “home”... He had been thinking about what to make for dinner, which classical composer he’d like to listen to _while_ he was making it, and which books to read as the peace of nightfall descended upon the forest. Hmm, maybe a nice casserole would do nicely. Perhaps he could get through another hundred pages of Hunky Planter and the Order of the Wo-bear. Yes… so many options to soothe his mind and body after powering through with a massive hangover all day.

Naturally, this was when Hare emerged from between some mushrooms, and he didn’t waste any time.

“Can we talk? Thanks.”

He trudged on over to a seat next to the Caterpillar, plopped down, put his hands on his knees, and just started ranting. Whether he wanted to hear about it or not, the Caterpillar was thoroughly informed of all the tension, exploitation, love triangles, and unintentional nudity that had transpired behind the scenes of what only seemed to him a fad that was quickly losing his interest at this point. He even heard that Alice was going about giving grief-counseling, and dispersing the hot-tub security line number on scraps of paper. “So I guess I was just wondering if you had a story.”

This had all been delivered by Hare in the way a near ceaseless train of freight cars passed before one’s eyes. By the end of it all, the Caterpillar dropped his bags back to the ground and just stared at him, long enough to make it awkward. “Well it's nice to see you, too,” he enunciated. Hare hadn't realized he'd seemed rude until that moment, so his lips began to twitch and his hands began to fumble.

“I-I'm sorry. I know it’s a lot. If you need time to think about it, or any clarifications, just let me know. Maybe if there’s a whiteboard around here, I can roll it up and make some diagrams. Actually--” As Hare went on and on, the Caterpillar didn’t even try to hide that he was rolling his eyes. “It might be too dark out for a whiteboard. Gee, you sure are out late. Would’ve thought you’d gone home by now. Good thing I hurried or I might not have-- _wait a minute_.” Finally, Hare noticed the bags at the Caterpillar’s feet, and maybe also the eye-rolling. “You were about to go home, weren’t you?”

Another awkward pause ensued, very much intentional on the Caterpillar’s part. “Yes, Hare. I was about to go _home_. And honestly, this is classic 'too much of a good thing.' I could reach blindfolded into my book bag and pull out something appropriate. But do you really need it?”

“Of course it’s 'too much of a good thing'! I need help getting everybody back to normal! You know, a story about helping others forget about something amazing that they can't have anymore!” Hare was being awfully demanding for someone who’d realized he was intruding upon the Caterpillar’s boundaries mere moments ago.

“That is just way too specific, Hare.”

“Hey, you made up Maury and Mark. Hop to it and write another one.”

“I don’t remember that story.”

“ _What?!_ ”

The Caterpillar flattened his lips into a big wrinkly frown towards the fourth wall before he continued. “Look… Hare... forget about the books. Sometimes life's solutions aren't in storiessss, you know?” Hare looked truly offended by the perplexing things his loath consultant was saying.

“...Caterpillar, you're gonna be out of a job if you keep talking like that,” he told him.

This was not a concern of his, as his tired visage surely indicated, but the more he studied the Hare, the more he came to realize how unusually desperate he was. He finally sighed and turned up his palms. “Well, it's a strrretch, but maybe this classifies as a break-up.”

A sort of epiphany came about for Hare. He struck up his hands and widened his glossy, brown eyes as he thought it all through, connecting so very many dots in his mind that before had been free-falling. “O-o-oh my _gosh_. It’s not a stretch at _all_! I mean it _all_ makes sense when you see it as a _break_ -up. And I would know: I’m actually very familiar with them!” He shook his head vehemently, as though it would be shocking that he’d make such a confession.

The Caterpillar hadn’t really expected Hare to take to the idea this well, so he was more or less just waiting to have it explained to him.

“Oh yes. They were in _limerence_ with the hot-tub. _Limerence_ being a state of intense infatuation, which often takes place during the honeymoon phase of a relationship, whereby your serotonin levels _collapse_ ,” Hare emphasized, striking out his hand and slapping it down to the other, “causing a helpless need to restore those levels through _oxytocin_ …” Hare knew how scientific he was sounding, and wasn’t sure if the Caterpillar could keep up, so he clarified: “ _Attention and/or affection from the_ _ **subject**_ _of infatuation!”_

“ _Yessss_ , I know what oxytocin does, and this does sound like something straight up your alley, Haaaree….”

“Oh, it is. _I’ve_ been in limerence for _years._ ”

“We’re all aware.”

“You know it’s _not_ something everybody experiences. It really depends on personality and brain chemistry. For instance, introverts are more likely to experience limerence than extroverts, which is funny because I’ve _always_ considered myself an extrovert. Did you know extroverts can be shy? It’s all so fascinating. Anyway, I’ve been thinking for a long time about what Hatter is, and I don’t think--”

“Okay, _Hare_. It’s getting darker by the minute, here, and I’d really like to go home. Can we save this discussion for tomorrow… or something?”

“Oh… right… Y-Yeah, of course we can.”

Hare watched the truly nightmarish sight of the Caterpillar dropping down to the ground and crawling away on his feet and hands. His top set of hands held the bags. He was quickly swallowed by shadows, leaving Hare to ruminate with a growing passion.


End file.
